20-something Fairytale Cinderella

Cinderella hated her job but she was too broke to quit. A part of her didn’t care enough to quit anyway. What else would she do? It was stupid to think she could really be a photographer. Better to just accept her life and get used to it.

Then one night as she lay awake listening to the mice scratch against the walls, she closed her eyes and said quietly,

“A dream is a wish your heart makes,

When you’re fast asleep…

I don’t need everything to go right in my life,

I just wish I could care again.

Please. I just need to believe it’s possible.”

Keeping Your Eyes on Him

God assumes responsibility for accomplishing what concerns you in times of trouble. Your job is to believe that He will fulfill His purpose, His power is adequate, and He'll keep every promise. When the trial has achieved His goal, He'll remove it. Until then, keep walking with your eyes on Him.

Writing and Tea

“Writing is a job, a talent, but it's also the place to go in your head. It is the imaginary friend you drink your tea with in the afternoon.” 

― Ann Patchett, Truth and Beauty

Fear

The greatest mistake you can make in life is to be continually fearing that you will make one.

Isaiah 43:19

See, I am doing a new thing!

Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?

I am making a way in the wilderness

and streams in the wasteland. (Isaiah 43:19 NIV)

Quote

To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.

My brain

4.16.13

I remember when I was at Valley the first time I wrote out the process of my panic attacks. I am not sure it helped…cause you know nothing apparently helped. But I thought I would try what goes on when I have a breakdown.

Ok, so here is what it is like in my head:

First my mind is filled crazy, scary gibberish that I cannot even identify or really understand. That is pretty much all the time.  And it is going like faster than Jeff Gordon. So imagine that…all the time…even while I sleep.

Then there are the thoughts that I can identify. And they are also going crazy fast. It is like my brain is talking faster than everyone on Gilmore Girls and Bunheads combined. I am talking like a Michelle/Lorelai combo here plus. The song…know you the song from Company? Getting Married Today. That is what my head sounds like. And if I can force it to think about non-stressful things it is a tiny bit better. Like, I will analyze Vampire Diaries and similar it is to Buffy and how no matter how hard they try they will never be Buffy, but it is a good show anyways except they continually kill people off so that you aren’t even really shocked when someone dies. And then there is the Lizzie Bennett Diaries, and the last book I read, or how Bradley Cooper really needs to cut his hair, or the best places to eat in Europe, or why there are so many stupid reality shows! But if I cannot think about those things or I am at work or something at work or home or some stupid thought that my brain has dug up from the depths of the darkness, then that thought or thoughts leads to many other bad thoughts that just keeps going and going like a horrible negative, demoralizing, self-destruction conga line of obsessive thoughts.

Like yesterday, I was already nervous about stuff…that anticipatory anxiety gets me all the time. It just ruminates in my head for days and nights until I drive myself crazy with thoughts. Then comes the day that I am worried about. Yesterday wasn’t too bad. I was able to make it through most of the day without breaking down completely. But whether I cannot do something correctly because either my anxiety is causing me not to think clearly or the simple fact that it is impossible to do and I cannot please someone who cannot be pleased, I start feeling frustrated and tired and like I cannot do anything right. Inevitably, she either does it herself or finds someone who will be able to do it like she wants and then I feel useless, stupid, and like everyone would be better off if I wasn’t here. Then I start thinking that everyone in the world would be better if I wasn’t here. That no one really cares about me and that I have become this sad, lonely person and no one wants me around. I know if I told people this that they would say that they do care about me and that that is nonsense and whatever. I can basically do both sides of this conversation now. Then I fall deeper and deeper into depression and start thinking about ways to kill myself and how I can’t do this anymore and I just want to die….blah blah blah. I get this awful heaviness in my chest and my body…like it takes extra effort to move. And I am done.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I may be depressed, but my brain is still just as active as it was before…nothing changes that. Exercise and sleep used to help, but not anymore. 

 

Depression Quote

"Depression is not a sign of weakness, it is a sign that you have been strong for too long." 

Foggy

 3.27.13

It has been awhile since I have written. My brain is too foggy to make complete thoughts right now. I don’t even think that it is helping. Nothing is helping.

Quote

I beg you, to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.

Confused about God

2.7.13

I have been feeling really bad lately. I don’t know if this is some sort of cyclical thing or I am just getting worse, or every few weeks or so I get fed up with this. I don’t know. It is like it progressively gets worse and then maybe for a moment maybe it gets slightly better and then it get progressively worse again. I am at the point where I don’t want to talk about it, I don’t want to write about it, I don’t want to do anything. I just want it to go away…or mostly I just want to die. I don’t feel like anything is helping at all. The only thing that is helping is just getting me through the day. And that is not even a success. I mean, it used to be…but I kind of feel as though I should be better than just getting by…than just getting through the day. It is kind of like when parents ask you how school was. They might as well be asking how was that car accident or how was that gang initiation.

I am not asking to be happy. I am not hoping to be happy. I just don’t want it to be so miserable all the time. I don’t want it to be so hard all the time. In my Bible study we asked the question is God enough for you? Do you need God and a job, or God and your children, God and whatever…Well I need God and my sanity. Is that too much to ask? I don’t think so. Am I just being selfish? It also talked about how we really don’t hate ourselves and there really is no such thing as low self-esteem. There is just low God-esteem. That really we love ourselves too much. I don’t love myself. I can tell you that. I don’t jab pins into my arm because I love myself. I don’t constantly put myself down because I love myself. I don’t immediately think the worst of myself because I love myself. When we have a toothache we do everything we can do get rid of that toothache, but when others have it then we aren’t as concerned. We are too self-centered. We need to give up ourselves and give ourselves to God. I don’t understand. I really don’t get it. I am so confused. Maybe I understood that a long time ago. But now I don’t feel as though I can things right now. I can control things in the moment. I can get through and do what I am supposed to do. But long term, I can’t control it. And I certainly can’t control my feelings. That book said that if you just will it so and trust God that you could control your feelings and you wouldn’t feel like that anymore. Look, I understand that you don’t need to live your emotional mind…you need to not rely on feelings…that the way you feel is not always what is real. But you can’t just will yourself to feel differently.

This book also basically says that your depression is caused by un confessed sin or that your relationship with God is not right or you are blaming others for your problems or whatever. That is crap. What if you just wake up feeling like this and it never goes away. What if there is no reason for it. What if everything with God was as close as it ever has been right before it happened? What if you have been battered and bruised by people all your life and you are stuck…what if you’ve tried to let it go and it never goes away…what if it has been going on for 5 years and it never gets better?

I feel like I can’t do anything right these days. God says just to find that quiet place and that is where He is. Quiet your brain and you can hear Him…that He can’t speak to you if your brain is filled up with anxiety. But I can’t get rid of that without His help…well…at all really. He has to do it. And I have prayed and prayed and prayed everything and every kind of way and tried to pray the believing prayer and pray with God’s faith and be grateful for what I have, but it doesn’t get any better. Again, I am not asking for miracles…though I believe God can do it. But I am asking for relief. And He did give me relief when I quit my job…I think Him for that every day. But I am still the same. It doesn’t go away.

It has affected everything. My body is so tired, and my stomach hurts, and I have acid reflux. I am feeling dizzy, and my eyes have trouble focusing. My brain is tired. I can’t pay attention like I used to. I can’t think like I used to. I make stupid mistakes like miss spelling my own name. It takes extra effort to make my brain work. It is like it is tired and it has to get past some sort of fog to even begin to work at all. It is like its tired and unfocused. This is getting really serious. When it starts to affect how I think and work then it is really serious. This needs to stop. But I have no idea how to make it stop or how to make it even slightly better.

PTSD

1.30.13

I don’t know what is wrong with me. I don’t know why I can’t handle things…at all. I hate feeling like this. I don’t know what to do. It seems to be getting worse. I have such anxiety about everything. It just won’t go away. I am so scared all the time. I live in constant fear of everything. I don’t understand why I am this bad…why this seems to be getting worse. I can’t seem to calm down at all. I am anxious at work, I am anxious at home, I am anxious when I work out, before I work out, after I work out, watching tv, reading, eating, everyday, all the time. I can’t seem to let things go. Shouldn’t this be getting better instead of worse? I quit that awful job. Thankfully I am not there, but the anxiety has gotten worse. I just feel like something bad is going to happen all the time. I have this sense of dread all the time. I can’t even explain it. It’s like I have PTSD. And maybe I do. I did say that I feel like I have been to war. Things that especially get me anxious are the weather, my job, traffic, church, things that feel out of control. I think that my life for the past 5 years has been so out of control that I feel like I need to control and predict everything. And when that not possible, when there is any doubt at all then I break down. I especially get really bad when I feel helpless. I do everything I think I can do. I get obsessive about everything. And I’m tired of it. This is not way to live my life.

And I get even more upset when I realize that there is nothing I can do…there is nothing anyone can do. I have done it all. I have tried it all. I should be better. I should be able to handle this by myself. And everyone is so sure that I can handle things, but I am dying. I don’t want to live like this. I don’t know how to let it go. I pray and pray and try to give it to God, but I am holding on too tight. I keep expecting bad things to happen because they usually do. Even before all of this. I sprained my ankle so bad it too months to get over it; I got horrible foot problems that years to get over and I still have problems; my retina detached…twice…I went skating and broke my wrist. And everything that happens to me is always like the worse kind of something. The way I broke my wrist, the way I sprained my ankle, my retina…it was like something that normally wouldn’t be bad is always the worst with me. Even the weather…everyone said that year that nothing was going to happen…everything was fine…and I was overreacting. That’s when it hit Ringgold. So it is kind of like I have been like this all my life and everyone, including myself, told me that I was overreacting that I was reading too much into it, it won’t be that bad…but it is. I know I am looking at the negative. I know there are plenty of times that I have been fine. How many days have I not had a wreck on the way to work, how many days have the bad weather passed us over, how many days have I not dropped my phone in the toilet, how many days have I been worried and NOTHING HAS HAPPENED! It’s been like the freaking Donna Reed Show. But there have been enough times in my life when I wasn’t overreacting to show me that I need overreact all the time…or at least that is what my body and tell me. 

I am worried that I am holding on too tight. And really the only thing I seem to be holding on tight to is my sanity. I don’t really care about the thing that I have. I really want to die and don’t really care what I do or don’t have. I don’t really care about my Tivo or my tv shows or my tea or my books or my clothes, or my bed…it is just that these things are keeping me sane…or maybe they aren’t. Maybe they are making worse. I don’t know. I just feel like I have nothing to live for and I don’t want to live. But so far I haven’t found a good way to kill myself so I am stuck here. And as long as I am stuck here I need these few things to keep me from falling apart. Like the fact that I have my tea to look forward to helps me get up in the mornings. I feel better when I look cute in my uggs and tights. I feel more in control when I have stuff. I don’t even really like my stuff, it’s just feel a sense of control when I have it. And I don’t even have that much stuff to control or that I want to control. So it is not like I could get rid of things to make myself feel free. I can’t get rid of the only pair of pants that fit me. I can’t get rid of the only shoes that don’t hurt my feet. I can’t get rid of my medicine or my contacts or whatever. I don’t know. I am afraid that God wants to take things away from me so that I will rely on Him alone. And I am trying to do that. He has pretty much taken away my enjoyment of most everything in my life. Pretty much the only thing that keeps me sane at this point is my bed, the Lizzie Bennett Diaries, and tea.

Obsessive tornadoes

1.28.13

So I am having one of those days…well, it seems like I am always having one of those days…those days where my mind won’t calm down. There are little worry things that get stuck in there and go around and around and around. They are usually what if statements. I try to repeat facts to myself and try to make them go away, but they don’t. They just run around in there all the time.

Right now I am worried about tornadoes. There is supposed to be bad weather on Wednesday, and I am worried that there will be tornados. So here are the facts. WRCB, the people who are usually right, just said strong storms at this point. He said it is too early to really tell what it is going to be like. It could pass us up all together. Even if we do have tornados, it said it is isolated. It will not be like that day 2 years ago. That was like the worst, even the news says that. It will also be during the day. It won’t be sitting at home in my closet scared to death all night long. Whatever is going to happen should be out of here by the evening. What is the worst that could happen? I could lose my home, my family, everything. Well, that’s pretty bad. It’s ok, we can rebuild, it is just stuff. I can always get more. I could die…which let’s face it, is like the best thing that could happen…I know…but it is. But really it will probably be fine. I don’t need to worry about it until I need to worry about it. Today has enough worry of its own. Just trust God and He will take care of everything. Just trust Him each step, each minute, each hour.

No control

1.24.13

Last week was awful. Really awful…like the worst week I have had in a really long time…since I worked at the doctor’s office at least. It had a lot to do with my needing to control things and things just spiraling out of control. Work stuff, Mom stuff, my stuff, Deric, traffic, rain, rain, and more rain…my phone….everything, just awful. And when I can’t control things my anxiety gets worse and then my emotions get crazy and that makes me even more out of control. I don’t know how to just let things go that I can’t control. I mean I know everyone deals with this on some level; it’s just that I obsess about it. I can’t get over it. I can’t let it go. I get out of control trying to control things. And it affects my balance, and my ability to think clearly, my vision, hand eye coordination….everything.

And this week has been better. Not good, but better. I don’t get good anymore. I get ok. I don’t even wish or hope for good anymore. I wish I could. I want to believe that God can heal me and I can have good again. But it hurts to much to hope. I don’t know how to hope anymore. I just want to have normal, even emotions again.

I can’t control my mom. I can’t control whether she gets up and goes to work. I can’t control my parents and their money problems. They are not my problem. I just have to take care of myself. That is the most important. If I am not well then I am no good to anyone. I can’t let this affect me like it does. It is hard because I live in it and I depend on it.

I am afraid. I am afraid that Mom will not get better and I will lose her. I am afraid that she will quit work or get fired and Dad will have to get a second job. I am afraid that Dad will not be able to handle all of that plus taking care of Mom and me, and the house, and everything that Mom doesn’t do. I am afraid that I will lose him too and then I will have lost everything. Mom will never get better after that. She will get worse. I won’t be able to take care of her because I am not well myself. Bradley doesn’t care. I will have no one to take care of me.

Shoulds and wants

1.9.13

Today started out very busy. I felt like I had a lot to do and I need to look at my shoulds and wants. On the one hand, there are a lot of shoulds and wants that need to be looked at. But on the other hand, it is a lot about me trying to control everything…getting all worked up about doing stuff, anything…even stuff I want to do I get worked up about it. I worry and obsess about everything. I get all bend out of shape when it rains or I have to leave work and I might not have a parking space when I get back. Or traffic, or parking, or just things that usually take care of themselves anyways. Things that I just have to deal with. But I don’t deal with them…I obsess about them. And if I could just give up that, I would have a whole lot simpler life. Because going to Bible study is not just about going to Bible study. It is driving there, traffic, their horrible parking lot, getting home late, eating dinner late, when am I going to work out…it is all of those little things that I can’t seem to give up obsessing over. My brain just won’t shut up.  Some shoulds that I know I should give up…well mainly just one: working out. Working out is a want and a should. I do really want to do it. I know that it makes me feel better physically and mentally, but I just have some much trouble fitting it in with all the other stuff I have going on. Is it wrong to make working out a priority? And there is this fine line between it being something good and enjoyable for me and it becoming this burden of having to do it, fitting it in. There are days that I don’t work out. And I don’t work out everyday of the week. But when I was supposed to workout and don’t then I feel bad…mentally and physically. And I am not working out in the mornings. I have done that and it always makes me feel worse. Working out in the morning does not work for me. It’s counterproductive.

Another should is all my shows that I tivo. I don’t need to watch everything. I need to take a serious look at my season passes and figure out what I can live without. I think that would really help.

And then after a pretty good lunch and morning, I have been running around trying to do things for Is, trying to be good, trying to be helpful, and doing what she needs me to do. She tells me that none of it really matters. She can do it herself. She was just giving me something to do cause she felt bad that she didn’t have more work for me. And the underlying thought behind that is nice. She wants to keep me on, she wants to pay me my hours, she wants me to have a job. But if I am not doing any good here then why am I here? If I am not helpful to her then why am I here? She is one of those type people that can’t voice what she really needs to another person so it is just easier for her to do it herself. So, again, why am I here? I mean I was running around trying to get this thing printed that she acted like was so important and then when I got it done, she said oh well, we may not even use it. It doesn’t matter.. Geez thanks. That makes me feel so great and indispensable. Especially when I have been working so hard to try and make myself indispensable. I am so good that they will have to keep me. But the person that I really need to be impressing is impossible to impress because no one can read her mind so she might as well do everything herself.

I’m trying to take this one day at a time. I am trying to be thankful that I have a job and I am not working at that awful place anymore. Every morning I look out the window in the quiet darkness of the room and thank God for that. But I do want to feel important. I don’t want to be too important, I get lots of anxiety when people are depending on me too much. But I don’t like to be told that what I am doing is just busy work.

Believe

1.8.13

I just feel wretched today. I feel like trash. I feel like I can’t do anything right. I feel wretched for trying to find other jobs on my lunch break, but they have to know that they aren’t giving me any indication if they can keep me or not. They should understand that I have do what I have to do. I have to keep my options open. I guess I also don’t like having to look for another job. I want to stay here. I am comfortable here. But I am not working a whole lot. I try and do my work and I get it done, but there just isn’t a lot for me to do. I am working hard on what I have, but that’s just it. I don’t know. I’m trying just to do my best. I still feel bad about not being able to help Is yesterday, but like I tried to tell myself. She didn’t really make it very clear what she was looking for. I asked several times and never really understood what she wanted. I’m not even sure she knew. She said herself that it was not my fault that this was something that K had worked on all summer and that I wouldn’t know. Even J was confused. She rolled her eyes and it. So I just need to drop it. And I am not going to be at the meeting on Thursday, but the fact is that I will be there to set up, I just won’t be there in case someone needs something. That is crap. I shouldn’t cancel my appointment just in case someone needs something. Besides, J is going to help out. I have helped her out many times. So I should just drop it. I am fine. I am doing the best I can. I just need to take it one day at a time and just do what I can. Stop freaking out and trying to control everything. It will all workout. God says so. Take is promise.

It's not your problem, God replied 

And the rest is history

'Cause there's a bigger picture you can't see

You don't have to change the world, just trust in Me

'Cause I am your creator, I am working out my plan

And through you I will show them, I Am

 

See…he is taking care of it. Don’t worry. Ginny Owens says.

 

You can't find the answers

Till you learn to question;

You won't appear stupid

Just ask for direction.

You're insecure and it clouds your perception

So stop and listen

And learn a lesson in love without condition.

I just need to stop thinking so much. Just be. Just be peaceful and bask. Calm and peaceful. It will all workout, just trust God. Believe that He will work it out. But I’m a doubting Thomas. And I guess I have earned the right to be. Every time I get my hopes up and believe something will happen, I get the rugged pulled out from under me. Time and time again, that is what happens when I hope and believe and tell myself it’s going to be alright. So you can see why it is so hard for me to fully believe.

BELIEVE

B-Bask in His unchanging person

E-Even if hope seems lost

L-Love without condition

I-It’s not your problem

E-

V-

E-

Bask

1-2-13

So new year, new…old problems…just because some sort of standard measure of time clicks over to a new year doesn’t meant that it is not just another day. It is just another day…another day to get through. I just need to take it one day at a time.

I have been feeling very crowded lately…my brain that is. I have been trying to cram too much in again. I just need to sort it out. What am I obsessing about?

My job is a constant source. I am always trying to control my job and what I do. But really…looking back on it…how much has that helped…not much. Trying to keep jobs, trying to find new jobs, trying just to stay afloat most of the time. I mean there is a certain amount of control that I can have over my job. I can choose to get out of bed and come in and work, or not. I can choose to help other people or sit here and do nothing. I can choose how I react to things…but that is really all I have control over. I have no control over whether I get to keep this job. So why does my body and mind feel like I do? God is the only one who has control. As I have said before many times, if God wants me to be here then He will make a way. If He doesn’t then I don’t want to be here. All this I know…it does no good to try and control things…

I guess that is what I am doing with the gate. I am trying to control it with what I know.

I think I am just putting so much pressure on myself to get this…to understand it…right now. And I can’t. It is the beginning of a new year and I want to be able to have everything figured out and everything good going into it. I am so scared that this year will be no different than the other years. That I will continue down this path and never get better. It really depressed me when I read something Danna wrote about how bad her anxiety was and how 5 months have gone by and how much better she is and how God got her through it. That is really hard to deal with. I hate people who have problems and then get through them. It makes it seem like I am never going to get through mine. Why does mine have to be the one that never goes away? It’s not fair. I hate my life so much. I just want to die. I don’t want to do this anymore. My brain needs to shut up. It makes me so tired that I can’t do anything about it. What is the point anymore? Pauline says I need to find some medicine that will help quiet my brain. I have tried all the medicine. It doesn’t work. So I am just here, waiting, for something to get better. I don’t know how to get better.

I am trying to control how I get better. I can’t control it. That is so frustrating. I can’t do anything about this. I can do the best I can, but that is it. I don’t know how to give it up. Wave the white flag. Give it up to God. I don’t know how to let go. And I can let go on the surface, but deep down in my stomach, where the anxiety lives, it is holding on tight. That is the feeling that I have. The feeling that my body is holding onto this control of my illness and my life so tightly that I can’t let go.

God, I want to let go. I want to give it up to you. I want to stop banging against the iron gate. It doesn’t work. I know that. But I don’t know how to let go…not for real. I want to let go and be able to let the gate just come open by itself. I know you are talking to me. I know you are there. You are giving me these little drops of your word and I just don’t know how to connect them. Help me to let go and be open to see what you want me to see. I want to give up that control. I just want to bask in you.

B-Breathe of Heaven

A-All I Am

S-Sing of Your Mercy, Still Seek You

K-

The Gate

12.28.12

It's Friday once again and I am feeling better than I was last Friday. I am not so crazy. The holidays went ok. I just sort of made it through them. Mom has been sleeping most of the time like Thanksgiving, but she seems to be talking a little more. I am not sure. She hasn't showered or eaten very much. She gets kind of weird about things though. That hasn't changed. She didn't go to Christmas Eve service with us or to Nana's, but it was ok. I tried not to let it bother me. I just tried to do my own thing.

 

Christmas with my friends was not successful. Teah was very distant and everyone else talked about their kids all night. It was not fun. I kind of felt like I might faint or something with all of their talking around me. They don't really talk to me or let me talk. I don't really have a lot of contribute to their conversations and I am too tired of trying to be heard to try anymore. Candice and I talked afterwards and we both feel that way. I don't want to lose them as friends, but it is getting harder and harder to remain friends with them when we have nothing in common and they don't make the effort.

 

I am so tired right now. I know that I need to do things with people, but I am so tired of being around people. I think I am just tired from trying to keep the wall up during the holidays. Even being back at work is hard. I have woken up feeling really bad for the last two days. I don't want to get out of bed, I don't feel like doing anything, and I want to die so bad. It gets better once I get up and get dressed and get to work. But when I get to work the anxiety starts. Again, I just decided that I liked this job and wanted to stay and now I am unsure of my place here. I am working so hard to make myself look good. It is very hard to do that when I don't have anything to do. I feel like I should be doing something. Like they know that I don't have anything to do and am not working. But I don't know what I am supposed to do. It is very anxiety-producing. But I just have to keep telling myself that if God wants me to stay here,  He will work it out. If He doesn't, then I don't want to be here. He will give me something better.

 

I have been trying to find time to just sit and be present with God. Find that peaceful place...really connect with what the Holidays are about. But I am trying to hard. I want to make it happen, but I just need to let it. I try and have my quiet time with God, but it just doesn't seem to be there. I am not allowing myself to be open enough. I know that...opening myself up means letting the wall down...and with the free time that I have and no therapy until next week that is really dangerous. I

 

If I can just stop thinking for just a second things will be ok. But I can't stop. If I stop thinking then things get bad. I am trying just to bask. But that has never been easy for me. I want to go through that gate to the pasture, to the peace. But I just keep standing outside the gate, shaking and begging to be let in. I know that if I stop trying it will happen.

 

I found a place downtown when I was walking last week. I think it might have been for the Read House. But I had never seen it before. There was a gate and a fence. I looked over the gate to see some sort of courtyard. It kind of reminded me of that scene in Notthing Hill. I doubted that the gate would be open. This is downtown Chattanooga. But I pulled on it and it opened. I was scared to go inside because I didn't know if I was allowed. But I tentatively went in. I tried to experience it just like I was supposed to. I just looked around. There was a fountain and some lounge chairs. It was nice. It was like this little haven in the middle of the big city. I didn't stay long, afraid that I would be caught. I felt like I didn't belong there...like it didn't really belong there either.

 

So I move on, trying to find peace. Trying to not try...that doesn't really work either. I am so sick of trying. How do I not try? I don't understand. I have never been good at that. Trying to relax, trying to calm down, trying to find peace. I guess that is why I hav anxiety.

Worrying and a Devotional

12.21.12

Today is the end of the world…again…as they would say on Buffy. It is also the last day of work before Christmas. I have been busy all week at work and at home. I have had something to do every night this week. I was complaining that I didn’t have enough to do and now really I don’t really want to do any of it. I guess I am just doing it so I won’t be so alone and depressed. And I know I don’t have a lot to do these next couple of weeks because everything really stops until the week after New Year. It is like I have been trying so hard to stuff my life and my mind with crap to do and to think about so I won’t have time to be depressed. It is kind of like what they were talking about on How I Met Your Mother the other week…overcompensation. I had such a long, lonely, depressing Thanksgiving break that I am doing everything in my power not to have that type of break right now. I have been so scared of it. But instead of all of that I have been tired and anxious and overloaded to the point where I am going crazy…really crazy. This week has been weird. I always feel like I am wanting to cry and scream all at the same time…and I have…several times. There is just a lot on my mind and I am not allowing myself to think about it. And maybe I do. I am scared to. I don’t want to have a horrible, depressing holiday. But if I don’t at least get some of these thoughts out then I am going to go crazy. So I thought maybe I can write it all down. Get it organized.

My job-I really like working here. It is sort of crazy sometimes, but they like me and I have my own office and lots and lots of flexibility. Every day when I make my tea I just stand there and look out the window at the downtown life and think to myself I would never have this calm time during the day to reflect and let my tea brew. At my other job, I would be working like crazy and never have time to breathe or go to the bathroom. So I am extremely grateful for that. But I am sitting on edge waiting for it all to be taken away from me. I have been doing my best to make myself indispensable and make everyone want to work hard to help me to stay despite there not being enough money or work for me to do. Like Cordy said “People will be attracted to my positive attitude and help me achieve my goals.” But as many people say that they like me and want me to stay, my boss just looks at me knowing that she can’t keep me. I just don’t know. I am just hoping that if it be in God’s will that He will work it out so that I can stay. And if it is not in His will then I don’t want to be here. I need to stop obsessing and worrying and just let God take care of it. Because there is nothing I can do about. There will be a job out there that is right for me. If it is not here then it will be somewhere better. But I know that I really don’t want to go back into the medical field. I need a place like where I am….where people aren’t going crazy all the time. And if this isn’t it, then there will be another one. I just have to have faith.

Christmas-I am trying so hard to make my own holiday good that it is killing me. I want go to all the great places and eat great food and create fun things for myself. And it is ok, but I feel like I am just spinning my wheels. I am doing stuff and it is nice and distracting, but really it is not meaningful. I feel like I just need to stop and actually appreciate what I am doing. But I feel if I slow down and think then I might get depressed. But I need to stop…even if it means feeling depressed. Because I am going to have a nervous breakdown if I don’t stop doing this. It is not even that I have a lot to do or that I am planning a lot. I just keep expecting things to just go bad. I am trying to do everything I can to plan how things can go and think about all the problems that might make me upset that I am not really living in the moment. I am just dreading the problems that I might have to face. I just need to let it go. Whatever happens, happens. Getting stuck in traffic, getting depressed, crying, anxiety, and stomach hurting, Mom doing whatever she is going to do. I think I am really worried about that. I don’t want to be in the house that long with her like that. It is very hard and draining to be there. I know I can leave and go somewhere, but it is still so sad and empty. I don’t want to feel that empty again.

I am of course dealing with control. That is what I have figured out. I spend so much time trying to control everything in my life that I forget to just bask. Sit at the feet of God and just look and listen to him breathe and talk and just be.  

I guess I am sort of doing that because mom is doing nothing. I feel like I have to control her and what she needs to be doing. I know that I don’t need to do that. We have talked about that. But I feel like I have to pick up the slack. But I don’t. I just have to be me. Worry about me….that is it. I only have to worry about me. If it doesn’t get done then it doesn’t. It is not that important anyways. Nothing is really all that important. It’s not the end of the world…really…no matter what everyone says. Help me to remember that God.

Like Martha of Bethany, I awaken many mornings “anxious and troubled about many things” (Luke 10:41). As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Marthax opened her home to him. 39 She had a sister called Mary,y who sat at the Lord’s feetz listening to what he said. 40 But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, “Lord, don’t you carea that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!”

41 “Martha, Martha,” the Lord answered, “you are worried and upset about many things, 42 but few things are needed—or indeed only one.f c Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.”

I’ve learned that if I’m going to walk in faith, I must remember the “one thing (that) is necessary” (v. 42): sitting at the Lord’s feet, like Mary, and listening to His voice. I do this by reading Scripture first thing in the morning.

If I don’t, I find I’m so busy trying to make myself feel safe that I forget that Christ is my only safety (Proverbs 29:25), and apart from Him I’m absolutely powerless (John 15:5). My desire to be in control is futile, and any sense of control I have is just an illusion.

This morning Psalm 139:16 reminded me anew of this truth.

Your eyes saw my unformed substance;

In your book were written, every one of them,

the days that were formed for me,

when as yet there was none of them.

The Lord saw me, and was already taking care of me, when I was still just “unformed substance” in my mother’s womb. The phrase “unformed substance” makes me think of the very earliest stage of pregnancy when I was still little more than a ball of cells.

My mother didn’t know she was carrying me at that point, and even if she had, there was nothing she could do to care for me. But everywhere in Scripture when we’re told God sees something, He does something about what He sees (see for example Genesis 16:13). When this verse says He saw me, it’s telling me that He was caring for me even at that very earliest stage of my life.

It also tells me that God had a plan for my life right from the very start. Here I am, living as though it’s all up to me, reacting from fear and self-concern, trying to control it all, when the Lord tells me that He’s been on the job right from the beginning. If He was caring for me way back then, long before I knew or loved Him, how much more is He caring for me now that I belong to Him?

Join the Conversation

How about you? Are you tempted to worry, even though you really want to trust Him? Could remembering the truth of His loving care help you to let go of that need for control? Casting all your anxieties upon him, because he cares for you (1 Peter 5:7).

 

Friends

12.6.12

I am not sure writing is helping me. It seems to make me think about things more and make me more upset. It is hard to try and write and figure out what is going on and it not make me sad.

I feel very sad today and yesterday. I was ok yesterday morning. I wasn’t great, but it was ok…just a little depressed. But after therapy it got really bad. Pauline wanted me to call my friends and make plans with them or go out and make new friends. That really make me upset. I wasn’t really sure why. I didn’t want to try and make plans with friends. They never have any time for me. And I hate to be the person who begs people to hang out with me. It makes me feel like a loser and a burden …like I am the loser person who has no friends. It seems like all my friends have other friends that they can talk to and do things with, but I don’t. All the other friends  I have other friends. It is like I am not important enough to be friends with. I know it is not all that…people are busy. People have commitments to work and family and all of that…but I just feel sad and lonely.

And really I don’t know if I want to things with friends. There have been times when I have had fun with friends, but a lot of the time I just get anxious or restless and all I want to do is go home. And calling and begging people to hang out with me is sad and it makes me feel guilty and a burden even when we are hanging out. But I think mostly it is this depression and anxiety that makes it hard. It is like I don’t want to see people and them to see that I am still not better and them to think that wow she is STILL not better. What is wrong with her? It must be something she is doing or not doing. I really don’t like hanging out with this person if they are going to be depressed and emotional all the time for the rest of their life. Like maybe they think this is a choice or something that I did. But all this that I think people are saying is what I am saying to myself. It is what makes me so frustrated and upset all the time. When I get really really upset…this is the main thought and feeling in me. THIS IS NEVER GOING TO END!!! WHY CAN’T I JUST GET BETTER??? WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME???? And if that is like my worst fear, my worst thoughts about myself then I certainly don’t want to be put in the position to have other people thinking those things whether they actually are or not.

I think that is why I got so upset about Es letter last year. She basically said that all I do is talk about my problems and I always say that I have worse problems  and she knows that I am bad, but can I think about someone else for a change…that is also one of my worst fears…I always feel like people don’t want to hear me talk…I talk to much…I am selfish. I don’t think about anyone but me and my problems. I am very conscious about not doing this. I always feel really bad when I talk to people all about my problems and then they don’t talk about theirs. It is not that I am not there to listen. But they just don’t talk…I try to let them know that I am there…or do people just not talk about their problems like I do…or not talk about them to me? I just don’t want people thinking that I am this awful selfish, dramatic, emotional person who takes things too personally and is too emotional about things and they wish I would just shut up and that is why they don’t want to hang out with me. And I would just rather be alone to deal with all of that crap.

Where does that feeling come from? Mom has always made me feel like I was selfish. She has told me that all my life. But there is more. E has always made me feel like I was a burden. Everyone in her life was always asking things from her and she was say as such so she always made me feel like I couldn’t ask anything of her. She always made me feel like I wasn’t cool or important enough for my feelings to be taken seriously. Even going back to high school or college or even her wedding…if something better came along she wanted that instead of me. She just thought I was always going to be there. Maybe it was good that I cut ties with her for so long. And T and that group make me feel like that. She did last night. But why can they make me feel so bad? What about K…my very first best friend. She was bossy and she always wanted to get her way. If she wanted to play something and I didn’t well she would just make me go home or she would leave. But if I wanted her to do something then she never would. K was older than me…not by much…a couple of months at most. But she had a lot of older friends so she kind of made me feel like a baby. I did baby things. I cried in school…so I guess that didn’t help. She was also smarter than me…she always made all A’s and got into the gifted program and really never even had to try to do well…like B. And I had to work my butt off to get A’s and B’s. But she always wanted to feel superior to me…whether it was in school or around her other friends or whatever. I don’t really remember much about our friendship ending. I do remember that I was over at her house and I wanted to do something or something happened that she didn’t like and she got really upset and said things about me and her not liking the same things or something…it is a foggy memory. I can remember her mom coming in and telling me that I needed to go home and probably didn’t need to spend time with K anymore. It was sad. I remember feeling like I didn’t know what I had done. I felt like I had done something wrong. But I can’t think of what that might have been. That was 3rd grade. 4th grade was hard. I didn’t really have a lot of close friends…Kim moved on. I didn’t.

And then there was Kr. I became friends with her in 5ht grade. Kr was also bossy and wanted her way. She was nice, but she was always trying to be better than me. I remember in the 6th grade she got in band and I didn’t. I tried so hard to do well in band, but I didn’t make it. It was so devastating. Not only was I told, rather rudely, that I wasn’t good enough to be in band…oh that I wasn’t old enough to know how be in band…but try again next year. It wasn’t so much that I wanted to be in band as it was that Kr was in band. I was afraid that she was going to get into something else and leave me. She was going to meet cooler people and forget about me. And she did. 7th grade came…my first year in middle school…where everything changed. I needed my best friend and she just distanced herself from me. She moved seats to sit by her cool band friends. She just forgot about me. And the person that she moved onto was just evil. She knew that I was Kr’s best friend and that Kr liked her better and she loved it. She made all kind of little comments to undermine my attempts to show Kr. I was cool enough to hang out with. She acted like she was my friend, but really she was really mean.

It was during that year that I lost my friends that I started having imaginary friends. They made me happier, but I still didn’t have real friends…and because I had no one close to me, I was exposed…which means that I got made fun of…I was an easy target…and continued to be even after I got friends…all the way through middle school and high school. I don’t really even know why people picked on me…but it was really hard…and continues to affect me to this day.

As for meeting new people…it is just too hard to make friends and then have them leave me. Everyone has always moved on…whether they mean to or not….people move on and forget about me…our friendship becomes less and less important. So what’s the point of trying to make new friends when they will just leave me?

And I know that it won’t really help…like everything else I try and think that will make things better…it won’t help. I will still be depressed and I will still be this way. It won’t make me happier and it won’t make this go away. I would rather this go away then to ever have another friend or get married or anything. Because I don’t know how to be happier. I don’t know how to feel better. And it feels like nothing will ever make it better.

New things

11-27-12

So I finished the book…I don’t know. It ended well…I am not sure that it ended the way I wanted it too. It ended like a romantic comedy should end…so that is good. It just basically says that his brain is all messed up and he doesn’t really know how to overcome it but he needs Tiffany. And that’s nice and all…I am glad they got together…although you know how I feel about people with emotional and mental problems dating…never a good idea. But maybe someone will write some good fan fic about it or something…show how they do manage to be together and have their problems.

So where does that leave me? Some people think that I might have seasonal depression and that if I took medicine for a couple of months out of the year that it would be better. But the thing is that first of all, I have tried all the medications out there…nothing works…I really really really don’t want to go back on medication. It doesn’t work. I don’t even think that it will work seasonally. And the really really depressive thing about it is that I already have depression. It is always there. I always want to die. That feeling never goes away. I just try to ignore or get used to it or something. So that means that I will have seasonal depression on top of my other normal depression…so fun.

I just want this to be over. I just don’t want to feel like this anymore. God, can’t you please heal me?

I am trying to think about my job and how it is affecting things. On the one hand it is good to have money….but still need insurance. On the one hand, it is good to have structure and somewhere to go and something to do. But it is hard to get up and make myself do it….it is always hard…if I have a job or not. It is good to have an office and it be quiet and stuff…most of the time. It is very jarring working for who I am working for…I like to be really prepared and not do things at the last minute. I know that is how things are. I just need to get my mindset that way and not let it affect me. Just do my best at the pace that I need to do them and don’t worry about it. It’s hard. I don’t want to do this again. I don’t want to obsess and worry about everything. I just need to let thing happen and realize it won’t be that bad. I prepare, that is not the problem. I just don’t feel like I can prepare enough. But I can’t let that affect me. I can’t do that.

I just need to relax and do the best I can and if they don’t like me then who cares. It is a good job and a good company with some good benefits, but if it is not the right place then I don’t need to be here.  But I just need to take things day by day. See how things go. Don’t let other people get you upset. The good thing about this job is that I can go back to my office and I can cry or get mad or have a panic attack or whatever. There is a lot of downtime because it is so quiet. These crazy times just come once in a while. I should be able to handle that. So it is good. That means that my anxiety is lessened most of the time here. It is not like at the doctor’s office. I don’t have someone breathing over me 8 hours a day. It is not so bad.

The downside to this that was actually an upside to the doctor’s office (there is actually an upside…ha!) is that there when I had a panic attack or crying or breakdown or whatever I had to go back to work. I couldn’t stay in the bathroom floor for 30 minutes. B wouldn’t hear of it. I had to get back on the phones. I couldn’t leave them…there was always something to do. So I usually could go back to work and after a few phone calls I could sort of calm down to a less bad place…not that it was a good place or anything, but just calmer. It was distracting. Here….I have times when I have to do stuff and times when I am busy, but a lot of time I am looking for stuff to do. I can’t just go back to work and be instantly distracted. It is harder. But I am not the go getter, make my own work type. I just don’t do that. I like to have tasks to complete…I am just not good at coming up with tasks. But who knows…maybe things will work out. I just need to calm down and take it one day at a time. Even though I want to die. Even though I don’t care. I do care...I care too much.

I have to go back to group tonight…well I don’t have to…I need to. I really don’t want to go. It was so nice to have my Tuesday nights back. I just don’t understand why we can’t start and end on time. And why people have to drone on like they are in their therapy session. We need to keep it concise. It makes me so mad that I just want to throw things. Yes, throw things…but if that starts to happen…the feeling…not the actual throwing of things, then I can get up and leave. It is not very healthy to stay and endure that for that long. It is not that important to stay.

Silver Linings

11-26-12

I have been reading “Silver Lining Playbook” for the past week or so and it’s about this guy who gets out of a mental hospital. He keeps a journal of all the things he is doing after he gets out. It kind of inspired me to write again. I don’t know if it will help, but maybe it will.

He seems very out of touch with reality. He thinks that if he does all of these things that his life will get better…if he is just good enough then God will make his life better….give him his wife back and he will get better....but that’s not the way it works though is it?  

I mean it doesn’t matter what you do for God or how good you are, it doesn’t matter to him. All He cares about is your relationship with Him…that you talk to Him and come to Him.

But really…you try and get better. You work and work to try and get better, but it doesn’t really matter does it…? You can try to smile and be happy and get up and try and work and do your best to work and make it through the day, but it doesn’t really matter…you never really get better do you? I mean I haven’t….does anybody? Or is it just a series of diluted thinking that you are better and then realizing that you aren’t better. So like the only way to have a normal life is to fake it and live in a fake reality with a wall up. I don’t know.

So what is even the point of trying anymore?