My brain

4.16.13

I remember when I was at Valley the first time I wrote out the process of my panic attacks. I am not sure it helped…cause you know nothing apparently helped. But I thought I would try what goes on when I have a breakdown.

Ok, so here is what it is like in my head:

First my mind is filled crazy, scary gibberish that I cannot even identify or really understand. That is pretty much all the time.  And it is going like faster than Jeff Gordon. So imagine that…all the time…even while I sleep.

Then there are the thoughts that I can identify. And they are also going crazy fast. It is like my brain is talking faster than everyone on Gilmore Girls and Bunheads combined. I am talking like a Michelle/Lorelai combo here plus. The song…know you the song from Company? Getting Married Today. That is what my head sounds like. And if I can force it to think about non-stressful things it is a tiny bit better. Like, I will analyze Vampire Diaries and similar it is to Buffy and how no matter how hard they try they will never be Buffy, but it is a good show anyways except they continually kill people off so that you aren’t even really shocked when someone dies. And then there is the Lizzie Bennett Diaries, and the last book I read, or how Bradley Cooper really needs to cut his hair, or the best places to eat in Europe, or why there are so many stupid reality shows! But if I cannot think about those things or I am at work or something at work or home or some stupid thought that my brain has dug up from the depths of the darkness, then that thought or thoughts leads to many other bad thoughts that just keeps going and going like a horrible negative, demoralizing, self-destruction conga line of obsessive thoughts.

Like yesterday, I was already nervous about stuff…that anticipatory anxiety gets me all the time. It just ruminates in my head for days and nights until I drive myself crazy with thoughts. Then comes the day that I am worried about. Yesterday wasn’t too bad. I was able to make it through most of the day without breaking down completely. But whether I cannot do something correctly because either my anxiety is causing me not to think clearly or the simple fact that it is impossible to do and I cannot please someone who cannot be pleased, I start feeling frustrated and tired and like I cannot do anything right. Inevitably, she either does it herself or finds someone who will be able to do it like she wants and then I feel useless, stupid, and like everyone would be better off if I wasn’t here. Then I start thinking that everyone in the world would be better if I wasn’t here. That no one really cares about me and that I have become this sad, lonely person and no one wants me around. I know if I told people this that they would say that they do care about me and that that is nonsense and whatever. I can basically do both sides of this conversation now. Then I fall deeper and deeper into depression and start thinking about ways to kill myself and how I can’t do this anymore and I just want to die….blah blah blah. I get this awful heaviness in my chest and my body…like it takes extra effort to move. And I am done.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I may be depressed, but my brain is still just as active as it was before…nothing changes that. Exercise and sleep used to help, but not anymore.