PTSD

1.30.13

I don’t know what is wrong with me. I don’t know why I can’t handle things…at all. I hate feeling like this. I don’t know what to do. It seems to be getting worse. I have such anxiety about everything. It just won’t go away. I am so scared all the time. I live in constant fear of everything. I don’t understand why I am this bad…why this seems to be getting worse. I can’t seem to calm down at all. I am anxious at work, I am anxious at home, I am anxious when I work out, before I work out, after I work out, watching tv, reading, eating, everyday, all the time. I can’t seem to let things go. Shouldn’t this be getting better instead of worse? I quit that awful job. Thankfully I am not there, but the anxiety has gotten worse. I just feel like something bad is going to happen all the time. I have this sense of dread all the time. I can’t even explain it. It’s like I have PTSD. And maybe I do. I did say that I feel like I have been to war. Things that especially get me anxious are the weather, my job, traffic, church, things that feel out of control. I think that my life for the past 5 years has been so out of control that I feel like I need to control and predict everything. And when that not possible, when there is any doubt at all then I break down. I especially get really bad when I feel helpless. I do everything I think I can do. I get obsessive about everything. And I’m tired of it. This is not way to live my life.

And I get even more upset when I realize that there is nothing I can do…there is nothing anyone can do. I have done it all. I have tried it all. I should be better. I should be able to handle this by myself. And everyone is so sure that I can handle things, but I am dying. I don’t want to live like this. I don’t know how to let it go. I pray and pray and try to give it to God, but I am holding on too tight. I keep expecting bad things to happen because they usually do. Even before all of this. I sprained my ankle so bad it too months to get over it; I got horrible foot problems that years to get over and I still have problems; my retina detached…twice…I went skating and broke my wrist. And everything that happens to me is always like the worse kind of something. The way I broke my wrist, the way I sprained my ankle, my retina…it was like something that normally wouldn’t be bad is always the worst with me. Even the weather…everyone said that year that nothing was going to happen…everything was fine…and I was overreacting. That’s when it hit Ringgold. So it is kind of like I have been like this all my life and everyone, including myself, told me that I was overreacting that I was reading too much into it, it won’t be that bad…but it is. I know I am looking at the negative. I know there are plenty of times that I have been fine. How many days have I not had a wreck on the way to work, how many days have the bad weather passed us over, how many days have I not dropped my phone in the toilet, how many days have I been worried and NOTHING HAS HAPPENED! It’s been like the freaking Donna Reed Show. But there have been enough times in my life when I wasn’t overreacting to show me that I need overreact all the time…or at least that is what my body and tell me. 

I am worried that I am holding on too tight. And really the only thing I seem to be holding on tight to is my sanity. I don’t really care about the thing that I have. I really want to die and don’t really care what I do or don’t have. I don’t really care about my Tivo or my tv shows or my tea or my books or my clothes, or my bed…it is just that these things are keeping me sane…or maybe they aren’t. Maybe they are making worse. I don’t know. I just feel like I have nothing to live for and I don’t want to live. But so far I haven’t found a good way to kill myself so I am stuck here. And as long as I am stuck here I need these few things to keep me from falling apart. Like the fact that I have my tea to look forward to helps me get up in the mornings. I feel better when I look cute in my uggs and tights. I feel more in control when I have stuff. I don’t even really like my stuff, it’s just feel a sense of control when I have it. And I don’t even have that much stuff to control or that I want to control. So it is not like I could get rid of things to make myself feel free. I can’t get rid of the only pair of pants that fit me. I can’t get rid of the only shoes that don’t hurt my feet. I can’t get rid of my medicine or my contacts or whatever. I don’t know. I am afraid that God wants to take things away from me so that I will rely on Him alone. And I am trying to do that. He has pretty much taken away my enjoyment of most everything in my life. Pretty much the only thing that keeps me sane at this point is my bed, the Lizzie Bennett Diaries, and tea.