New things

11-27-12

So I finished the book…I don’t know. It ended well…I am not sure that it ended the way I wanted it too. It ended like a romantic comedy should end…so that is good. It just basically says that his brain is all messed up and he doesn’t really know how to overcome it but he needs Tiffany. And that’s nice and all…I am glad they got together…although you know how I feel about people with emotional and mental problems dating…never a good idea. But maybe someone will write some good fan fic about it or something…show how they do manage to be together and have their problems.

So where does that leave me? Some people think that I might have seasonal depression and that if I took medicine for a couple of months out of the year that it would be better. But the thing is that first of all, I have tried all the medications out there…nothing works…I really really really don’t want to go back on medication. It doesn’t work. I don’t even think that it will work seasonally. And the really really depressive thing about it is that I already have depression. It is always there. I always want to die. That feeling never goes away. I just try to ignore or get used to it or something. So that means that I will have seasonal depression on top of my other normal depression…so fun.

I just want this to be over. I just don’t want to feel like this anymore. God, can’t you please heal me?

I am trying to think about my job and how it is affecting things. On the one hand it is good to have money….but still need insurance. On the one hand, it is good to have structure and somewhere to go and something to do. But it is hard to get up and make myself do it….it is always hard…if I have a job or not. It is good to have an office and it be quiet and stuff…most of the time. It is very jarring working for who I am working for…I like to be really prepared and not do things at the last minute. I know that is how things are. I just need to get my mindset that way and not let it affect me. Just do my best at the pace that I need to do them and don’t worry about it. It’s hard. I don’t want to do this again. I don’t want to obsess and worry about everything. I just need to let thing happen and realize it won’t be that bad. I prepare, that is not the problem. I just don’t feel like I can prepare enough. But I can’t let that affect me. I can’t do that.

I just need to relax and do the best I can and if they don’t like me then who cares. It is a good job and a good company with some good benefits, but if it is not the right place then I don’t need to be here.  But I just need to take things day by day. See how things go. Don’t let other people get you upset. The good thing about this job is that I can go back to my office and I can cry or get mad or have a panic attack or whatever. There is a lot of downtime because it is so quiet. These crazy times just come once in a while. I should be able to handle that. So it is good. That means that my anxiety is lessened most of the time here. It is not like at the doctor’s office. I don’t have someone breathing over me 8 hours a day. It is not so bad.

The downside to this that was actually an upside to the doctor’s office (there is actually an upside…ha!) is that there when I had a panic attack or crying or breakdown or whatever I had to go back to work. I couldn’t stay in the bathroom floor for 30 minutes. B wouldn’t hear of it. I had to get back on the phones. I couldn’t leave them…there was always something to do. So I usually could go back to work and after a few phone calls I could sort of calm down to a less bad place…not that it was a good place or anything, but just calmer. It was distracting. Here….I have times when I have to do stuff and times when I am busy, but a lot of time I am looking for stuff to do. I can’t just go back to work and be instantly distracted. It is harder. But I am not the go getter, make my own work type. I just don’t do that. I like to have tasks to complete…I am just not good at coming up with tasks. But who knows…maybe things will work out. I just need to calm down and take it one day at a time. Even though I want to die. Even though I don’t care. I do care...I care too much.

I have to go back to group tonight…well I don’t have to…I need to. I really don’t want to go. It was so nice to have my Tuesday nights back. I just don’t understand why we can’t start and end on time. And why people have to drone on like they are in their therapy session. We need to keep it concise. It makes me so mad that I just want to throw things. Yes, throw things…but if that starts to happen…the feeling…not the actual throwing of things, then I can get up and leave. It is not very healthy to stay and endure that for that long. It is not that important to stay.