Worse

11.29.11

My life seems to be getting worse and worse. I should be getting better. I don’t understand this. I still cry all the time, I still shake…I am still unstable. Is my medicine still not working? Am I on the wrong thing? Or maybe it’s just me. I am the cause.

 

I think back to the time when this started this time. I was going through helll with my hormones and I had been extreme pmsing for 2 weeks. And then that Sunday night I was watching a documentary on September 11 and it dawned on me. I wanted to be in those towers. I wanted to die. That was my big revelation. I didn’t want to get better because I just wanted to die.

 

And maybe realizing that caused that wall to come crashing down. And it wasn’t coming up again. I had been stuffing all those dark and scary and overwhelming emotions down everyday. I had to do that so I could work. I was miserable and I hated it, but I could function. Maybe my realization caused all of those emotions to come out at once. And they weren’t going back in.

 

I have no stress tolerance right now. I can’t deal with stress at work, I can’t deal with traffic, cleaning up the house, and even watching tv causes me stress sometimes. That is why I couldn’t play rock band the other night. It takes a lot of concentration on my part and my mind is so unstable that it can’t do that and do it well. It all goes back to the fact that I have to be perfect. I feel like I have to do it all. And right now, in the state I am in, I can’t be perfect. I can’t do it all. I’m just not functioning. And that is causing me to be worse that I am.