Scary to go back

11.6.11

 

I would like to know what it is like for a person who is not depressed. I would like to know how they feel. How are they not depressed? How does their life not depress them? My life isn’t great, but it should stand up against most peoples. So why I am depressed?

 

I would like to know what it was like to walk up stairs and not be depressed.

I would like to know what it was like to eat a meal and not be depressed.

I would like to know what it was like to have a cup of coffee and not be depressed.

I would like to know what it was like to sleep and have peace, to talk and have fun. Is it easier to watch pay attention when you aren’t depressed? Is it easier to live in the world when you are not depressed?

 

I just want to know what it’s like to live without this heaviness following me around wherever I go. To be able to live and not want to die.

 

I would give up a million vacations if I could just not feel like this anymore. So if that’s what I have to do to get better, then let’s do it. Take me, take my life, take my pto, take my vacation. I just want to get better.

 

I am worried about going back to work this week. Am I really ready? I don’t feel any different than when I went into Valley. How is work supposed to go? Is everyone’s loud voices going to irritate me? Is making an appointment going to cause me to burst into tears? Is just the very thought of sitting in that seat and dealing with this feeling going to be too much. Cause at this point, it is not the job. The job is fine. I was functioning fine. It is me this time. I just hope I have enough strength to keep up appearances, put the wall back up, be able to function day to day.

Today was my last day at Valley. I’m really sad. I’m sad that I won’t have Nicole anymore. I’m sad that I won’t have somewhere to go to talk about what’s bothering me everyday. I’m sad that I have to leave that supportive environment and go back to a place where I have to hide my feelings. Where I can’t talk about my problems, where no one really cares if I can’t stop crying. B doesn’t understand and she doesn’t care. What if I can’t do it? What if I go back to work and I try and I can’t stop crying again or I get really irritable at the patients and the people in the office? What if I fall apart again?

Why am I so unstable? Why am I fine one day and awful the next? That doesn’t give me much confidence in myself for being able to make it when I go back to work. What causes me to fall apart like this? Why do I beat myself up so much when I make the wrong decision? It was a fast last minute decision. I don’t do well changing plans at the last minute, especially if I have to make those decisions all on my own. I just don’t do well. So I need to give myself a pass. It is ok that I didn’t go to the doctor. It is ok. It would have been nice to go to the doctor, but I didn’t. That’s that

 

And Trish’s email is coming from somebody who only sees me every now and then. But I know what she says is right. I am falling apart again. I can’t go into work being so unstable like this.  

I think I like falling apart. It feels very freeing. Like all the stuff I was worrying about is just let go in a stream of emotion. I can finally breathe again. All that pent up anxiety goes away when I fall apart.

Steph, you left Valley. You are going back to work, going back to the real world. Of course you are going to be scared. Anyone would be. It is a scary situation. You are leaving Nicole. She is your lifeline. She is your person. Of course it is going to be scary to leave Nicole. But you have Pauline or Susan, whichever one you pick. These are people that Nicole picked out for you. It won’t be like with Nicole. What you had with Nicole was special. It is a bond that can’t be broken or replicated. You trusted Nicole the first week you met her. You trusted her not to lead you wrong and you did what she told you to do. It won’t be instantaneous like that with Pauline. It will take time. But she will be good for you. She will be understanding and will be ready to push you wherever you need to go. She will be better than Cathy. She will help you. You will feel like you are getting help. It’s ok to be upset. It’s ok to be scared. No go wash your face and move on.

Work will be fine. You don’t have to worry about that until Monday. Put that out of your mind. It will be fine. It is not like last time when you were gone for so long. It will be fine. You will probably have a hard time and you will probably cry, but you can get through it. It is just one day. Take one phone call at a time and don’t worry about those other lines. Do the best you can and don’t worry about what B or anybody else is going to say. You know your limits. Set your own boundaries. Be assertive. Don’t fall apart.