Back again

10.27.11

Today I went back to Valley. A year later, back at Valley. I kind of feel like a failure, like I failed. I’m back here and I feel like I failed. I was making it. I was working. It wasn’t great, but I was surviving. It was killing me…but I was surviving. Why can’t I just go back to that? Why can’t the wall come back up? I feel like being at home and not working is failing…it means I couldn’t cope with my life again.

 So where do I go from here? The wall was working, not well, but it was working. It is not healthy, but it worked. Does the wall come back up? Do I need to explore why the wall came up? Do I need to see what’s behind the wall? All of these questions…so overwhelming. It’s a lot to muddle through in two weeks.

 Nicole talked about coping strategies. Wasn’t I coping? I wasn’t the past few weeks, but I was coping. Is the wall not a coping mechanism? It wasn’t healthy, but I did it. I got good at it. Why can’t I do that again...I know it was killing me…

 Was the wall just an easy coping mechanism? Something I could put up so I didn’t have to deal with this stuff.

 I’m scared. I’m scared I’m not going to be able to do this. I’m scared that it’s going to be too hard or that am not strong enough or not willing to try something else.

 I mean except for the last few weeks, I have coped pretty well. I am not sure how much of it is hormonal, but I coped pretty well when it wasn’t around my period.

 But the problem is it wasn’t really coping. I could say I had a good day because nothing significant happened, but it was still hard. I never had an easy day. It was hard to keep up that wall. It was hard and tiring being all OCD about my schedule. I am just so tired of it being so hard. It shouldn’t be this hard. Life shouldn’t be this hard.

 Does it get easier on the right medication? Does it get easier when my hormones are straightened out?

So what are these other coping skills? And are they equally as hard? I am not sure I am in for more hard stuff. I am just so tired. So tired of the worry, the toiling, the work, the mess, the everything.

I don’t know how to approach this. I felt like I was doing fine. I don’t know any of my hot button triggers except when Barbara goes on one of her tizzys and when the phones get crazy. But even then they don’t bother me too much…not the old me…not the one with the wall.

So how do I get rid of the wall that is so tiring and so hard and still function? The wall isn’t there now, so how do I function again? 

So here are some questions Nicole asked me to answer.

I’d give anything to have…

I’d give anything to have death. Maybe that’s not the healthiest answer, but it is really how I feel. Or I would give anything to not to feel like this. For life not to be so hard all the time. Is this just what is meant for me? For my life to be harder than everybody elses? Is this just my lot in life? Am I always going to be living with this?

I feel as though I could really be happy…

I feel as though I could really be happy if I could just die. No more pain. No more mess. No more hard stuff. Just peace. Can I really have that here? Is that possible? I know I can’t have a life free from stress and pain, but does that mean that I can never be happy? I just want to be normal again. Have a job that doesn’t make me want to kill myself everyday. Have things in my life that I actually enjoy. Have people in my life that I can actually talk to and do things with. I just want it to not be so hard all of the time. I just want some rest and some peace. Set me free, leave me be.