Depressed still

10.25.10

Mood: Depressed

Positive things:

I’m very depressed today. I am not really sure why. It started yesterday. I didn’t want to get out of bed and go to church. Church was hard as always. I just wanted to crawl under the pew. I am not sure why church is so hard. I just don’t like having to get out and interact with people. And I can’t concentrate on the message. It was something I used to look forward to and now I can’t stand. Trish says I should just stop going. I am not sure about that. Then after lunch I had to call Barbara and talk about work. I know I will have to go back to work sometime, I just can’t imagine a time when I will ever be ready. I just feel there is so much to work on. And that got me thinking about everything I had to work on and how hard it would be and it just put me even more in a funk.

It is just so hard to will myself to want to get better when the road seems so long and hard. It is just easier to give up and give in to those negative emotions. It is too hard to fight everyday to overcome the depression and the anxiety. So that is what I did today. I gave in to the depression. I allowed the awful thoughts flow and the emotions to take me over. It was very easy. All I want to do is to go to bed and sleep. But Nicole won’t let me. I have to do stuff. Including writing in my journal so that is what I am doing….blah. I really just want to sleep. That is my nature. I would do that even if I weren’t depressed. I know being like this is not helping me. And that is what makes me even more depressed. I want to get better faster. And I keep giving in and slowing things down. It goes back to the all or nothing thing. I can’t be all better fast so I will just give in and not be better at all. 

Nicole wanted me to journal about how I am ok. I don’t think I am ok. I guess I am better than most. I still have a lot to work on, but at least I don’t have alcohol or drugs to deal with too. I have a good head on my shoulders and a self preserving mentality that won’t let me kill myself and it makes me get up and actually do things. I still get up and go to Valley and go to work. I still shower and make the bed. Even though I don’t feel like it.