Wanting to get better

10.18.10

 

Mood: Depressed

 

Positive things: got pampered!

 

Today was a bad day. I was more depressed today than I had been. I just feel so worthless at work. I feel like I am having to be babied or something…but I want to be. Because I don’t want them to throw me back into the fire. I want them to not have any expectations of me. I am just crap. I feel so awful that I can’t be what they want me to be. It is like I shouldn’t even be there anymore. It would just be easier on everyone.

 

Everyone says I am getting better. I can’t see it. Maybe I don’t want to see it. Maybe I just want to wake up one day and be tons better. Maybe I thought that when I went back to work I would be tons better and that is why I am depressed at work. I am so scared too because I am afraid that I won’t be well enough even when I do go back to work full time. That all of this would have been for nothing.

 

Nicole wanted me to write about the part of me that does want to get better. That part that does have some hope and gets out of bed and goes to work and goes to Valley.

 

Mostly I think I just do it on autopilot. It is what I am supposed to do. It is what good little girls do. They always show up on time and always do their homework. I would feel like a failure and guilty if I didn’t get up and go.

 

And maybe I go because I know that not going is not the answer. That is why I still continue to go to church. I know I am not going to get any better sitting at home. So the least I can do is show up.

 

So I guess there is some part of me that does want to get better. There is a glimmer of hope in there somewhere. Where I can see myself not dreading the morning light, where I might actually feel like going to work in the morning. There is a part of me that wants to be able to not feel this awful anxiety and depression every day of my life. To get up and feel normal again, to enjoy the things I used to, to be able to be useful again. Mostly I would just like to feel what it was like not to live my life in a fog…to think clearly again.