Not Being So Perfect

10.4.10

Mood: Anxious, but accomplished

Positive things: I made yummy banana bread, I got yummy cupcakes, and I cleaned up a little. I felt I had a productive day at Valley…even though I am not sure what that means yet.

Nicole assignment for me today was to make my banana bread and don’t measure the ingredients…well most of them…just to test my need for perfection.

I guess I cheated a little bit because I am a good baker and really never measure anything but flower and sugar…which you so need to do. But I didn’t wash my face last night. That was a big step. And I didn’t straighten my hair this morning either…I didn’t really have time, but I was just like, to heck with it. So my goal is to start doing things that aren’t so perfect, like deliberately…just to see how it makes me feel. When I didn’t wash my face, the world didn’t end, I didn’t get a zit. I didn’t get awful looks when I didn’t straighten my hair this morning. And hopefully, my banana bread will taste alright without having measured anything. But that is something I love about baking, you don’t to be too perfect. You can just get almost and then throw it into the oven and magic happens!

We learned about attachment styles today and I go between avoidant and ambivalent. The avoidant is the perfectionist and the ambivalent is the panic attack one. It is called disorganized. It means I was abused as a child. Or maybe I was abused as an adult at work and that is what caused the panic attacks to be attached to the perfectionism. Mainly it just means I am really screwed up.

So how do I use this knowledge to get over my problems at work? Develop tools to help me cope with my particular style? When do we learn those? Blah

I’m feeling anxious and panic attaky. I am still nervous about going back to work, even though it is forever away and I should be enjoying this time off because it is what I wanted. And I feel like I have so much I have to do. I mean, not really, my list is not that long. But I still have to do it and I am nervous about it. It is out of the norm and really all I want to do is just go to sleep.  I don’t want to go see Ts baby. I don’t want to call and get my haircut. Then I will have to be fake with them. That is so tiring. I don’t even want to watch TV. I have too many shows to watch and it makes me anxious. Blah