I shut down

10.26.09

I haven’t written in awhile. Mainly I just can’t get my brain to stop long enough to make sense of anything. And I am not sure how much it is helping either. No one can help me. I come to a point in my brain where I just hit a wall. Do I just not want to get better? Do I just think that I can’t? It is impossible? Am I just over analyzing this too much? For whatever reason, I just can’t seem to make any progress. Or maybe I am and I am not seeing enough or it is just easier to fall back into that hole than to stay 5 feet above where I was.

I just feel frantic and stressed and anxious and depressed and all at varying degrees. I just want to die. Everytime I think about getting better or changing my life or the future or anything, I just get so depressed and stressed out that I can’t function. I don’t want to get better because I don’t want to face whatever God has in store for me. I am too scared of it. Good or bad, I am scared of it.

There are just so many things, so many problems, so much to think about and worry about that I can’t take it. My brain shuts down.