Fragile strength is gone

08.25.09

 

Today was a good day. I was in a good mood today. That is very rare. Things were pretty good at the store, my delivery went ok, and everyone seemed to be happy. And I had a good handle on all of my work stuff. I prayed this morning that God would make me positive. I can’t do it. At all. I prayed that He would help me to have a good attitude and not worry. And it was all going good.

 

Until tonight. A called me after 9 tonight and asked me about an event that I had scheduled for tonight. It was something that A and I had been tossing back and forth to each other. And it just slipped through the cracks. I forgot about it. The store wasn’t prepared for it. I remember putting it on the calendar and telling A about it. But that is all. And then the whole A being out thing happened and things got crazy. I just forgot. I made a mistake. I can’t remember everything. There are just so many little things that I have to think about that my mind just gets so crowded.

 

My mom says that I need to embrace this responsibility. I need to be a leader. I am NOT a leader. I need some accountability here. I can’t remember everything. I can’t do everything. I try and something always slips away. There is always that nagging something that reminds me that I suck.

 

I felt like that song more than ever tonight.

 

Something always brings me back to you.

It never takes too long.

No matter what I say or do I'll still feel you here 'til the moment I'm gone.

You hold me without touch.

You keep me without chains.

I never wanted anything so much not to drown in your love and not feel your reign.

[CHORUS:]

Set me free, leave me be. I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.

Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be.

But you're on to me and all over me.

You loved me 'cause I'm fragile.

When I thought that I was strong.

But you touch me for a little while and all my fragile strength is gone.

[CHORUS]

I live here on my knees as I try to make you see that you're everything I think I need here on

The ground.

But you're neither friend nor foe though I can't seem to let you go.

The one thing that I still know is that you're keeping me down

 

I thought I was strong. But then you touch me for a little while and all my fragile strength is gone. I thought I was just rising up…even an inch. Then I am right back there in the dark pit of my brain of worry.

 

That obsessive awful worry that just overtakes my brain and nothing else can district me. It makes me so mad at myself. It makes me so down. It makes me feel so hopeless. I can’t do this. I am no good. All of my boasting about my organization, it just keeps getting battered and bruised. It is whittled down to nothing. Why can’t I be better?

 

Why can’t I just be ok when I am not perfect? Why can’t I just accept when I mess up and move on? I have to beat myself up and I know that when I get to work tomorrow I will get beaten up even more. A will probably try to assert herself as my boss and get onto me. She will try and push me even farther down. Don’t they realize that I am hanging on by a thread?