Trying to fit the mold

8.13.09

I feel very useless today. I went to a meeting, useless, and in about

an hour I have another meeting, useless. And in between I don’t have

enough time to do much. And even when I do then it doesn’t help. I call and try to contact people and it doesn’t do anything. A keeps running around here doing everything and taking away what I was doing and I feel useless. It is like she is campaigning to be the boss now. And I am not going to fight. I am barely doing what I can here. I am doing the best I can, physically, but I know my heart isn’t in it. And if A wants to bust her tail to beat me then whatever. I am not one of those marketing people. I never have been. I don’t have the energy to fight her. I don’t have the energy to care anymore. 

That is what I remember hating about this job. There is always this waiting

game…waiting on people to call you back, waiting on meetings, waiting

on managers to get back to you on things. I like to organize and I like to get things together but I can’t do it if other people won’t corporate. The way A works, that is not how I work. It has never been how I work. I am not a pushy person. I remember that is why I got

out of the marketing profession to begin with. I saw the type of people who were successful and I knew that I didn’t want to act like that…that is not in my nature. I can and I have some, but it feels

fake. All of my job feels fake. 

I know I needed a job. I know it is a good job and it is easier to market food than hospitals, but it just feels like I am right where I was back when I quit Siskin. I am in a job I hate in a profession I was not made to do. I know that is what I

have experience in and I can pretty much do it, but I hate it. And that is why I quit it in the first place. Then why am I right back here where I don’t want to be? 

Oh wait, the economy, needed a job,

blah blah blah. I am not even sure if I know what I want. I know I don’t like to be trapped in my office all day long but I know I don’t like spending my days talking to people and hounding them to death trying to get them to do something. And I am not very successful at it either. And I don’t even really like people who act like that. I don’t like to be pushed so I don’t try and push other people. And I hate planning these event, the whole time wondering if it is all going to fall apart and I will look like a huge fool in front of everyone.

I just want to hide in my room and do nothing, sleep, and hide until my life somehow gets magically figured out. Because I am lost. I am just as lost as I was three years ago. I feel like I am going nowhere and I am useless. I am no good at work. I am no good at my

relationship with God, and I am no good at being a good person. I suck.