What is wrong with me?

8.9.09

 

I realized something. I realized that one of the reasons that I don’t want to do anything is because my heart is not in it. My heart is not in anything now. I try and do and am responsible about reading my Bible and doing my foot exercises and working out and doing my job and I don’t feel like I am getting anything out of it. It is fruitless. No fruit for Stephanie. I am just sick of the whole deal. I am sick of trying at my job only to fail miserably. I give it my all and I try my best and then it just is not enough. Maybe it is not my best because my heart is not in it. But I don’t know how to get it back in it. And my heart is not really into reading the Bible and God. I am trying and not giving up and I thought that if I just stay close to Him by reading the Bible and go to church and go to Bible study then maybe something might get through. Maybe God will give me some revelation about something. But there is nothing. I have heard it all before and I have tried all the solutions. Nothing works. I know, I know…I am doing it myself. I need to let God do it. But how do I do that? I am trying to let Him lead me. I just get all boggled down by my own mind or something. I am just sick to death of trying and trying and getting no results.

 

Same with my foot and my injuries. I think if I try and try I will do what I can and then I will get over whatever is wrong. And it never gets better and I am never getting well.

 

A friend told me she thought I seemed depressed. I don’t really enjoy doing anything anymore. I don’t really even enjoy watching tv. I have small bursts of happiness and interest in something. But nothing is really enjoyable anymore. My heart is not into work, friends, Bible study, church. I want to be. I try. I still go about my day and do things. But nothing connects. It all feels fake. I go to Bible studies and social things but I am fake. I am fake happy. No one wants to know how I really feel. And I kind of feel like I know there are problems that are worse than mine. I don’t want them to think I am complaining all the time. I feel like I should be able to get over this. But I just keep wandering around in a fog. Disconnected from life…and worse, I feel disconnected with God. And that is the worst of it all.