Why Can't I Relax?

8.7.09

 

Today is Friday. Yea. I have been looking forward to this all week…so why aren’t I happier? I am messed up, that is why. I am never happy with where I am.

 

I actually too the afternoon off and came home and read my Twilight book. I read like 200 pages! But I can’t get over this feeling like there I should be doing something more productive. I should be working some more. I should be working out right now. I should be working tomorrow. I told A I would, but when I texted her and asked if she still needed me she said no. I wonder if she said no because she wants to try and be better than me. She is always trying to do more than me. Is she trying to get one up on me? Hoping that they will promote her over me? That will never happen. I have way more experience and a degree. She just works differently than me. I feel like I am doing the best I can. I am doing all I need to do, right? Should I have insisted that I help her at work tomorrow? I don’t know. The other day I was stressing because I didn’t want to work Saturdays, and now I am stressing because I think I should. I don’t want to be accused of not being a team player and not going above and beyond. But of course, they aren’t going above and beyond for me. I still am not being paid for me gas.

 

So here I am, on a Friday…when I should be happy happy happy, I am sad and anxious. I should be doing something. I should be productive. But I really really don’t want to be. Why can’t I just be happy with where I am? Why can’t I just be happy just going upstairs and putting my pjs on and climbing into bed and watching tv? Why can’t I want to rest when I can? And yet, this morning, when I was supposed to be getting ready for work, I sat there and watched a rerun of Gilmore Girls.

 

It is the weekend and I am still thinking about work. I should be thinking about anything but work. Why do I always do this? I need to leave work at work.