When does it get easier?

8.20.09

 

I have been a bad little seed lately. I have been neglecting my journal. I had a bad bad day this time last week. I don’t really know what started it. I guess that was the last time I journaled. I felt bad all day and then I went in to see A or just to go into the office, I can’t remember. But I walked in and Awas kind of short with me. He was in a meeting and told me to leave. It wasn’t bad. Nothing. But after the day I had, I just fell apart. That is sort of what it is. I start out my day feeling bad and useless and depressed and then something happens that just sends me over the edge. But later on that afternoon it got better. A was still mad at me because she feels like I am taking over her job…well I feel like she is taking over my job. I don’t want to be her boss. I don’t want us to be in competition. I just want to work together to get things done. I have a delivery that I am sure I will have to do on Saturday morning. If I liked A more or if I felt more comfortable around her or if I just felt she wasn’t going to throw me under a bus every five minutes, then I might ask her if she would do it for me…since she does work on Saturday. But then she might tell A and he might think that I am not doing my job. And besides it is a donation that I set up. So I feel like I have to do it. I have been doing too many free things lately. I know I need to stop. I need to learn how to say no. I need to find a way to say, we can help you with lunch and not have them think we can give them lunch. That is not what I mean. I don’t know how to say it. I want people to pay for stuff. That is not too much to ask.

 

We have a meeting today or tomorrow. I am not sure. A had a big meeting yesterday with all of the operators in our area and then he texted me that he wanted to meet with the marketing team ASAP. I am not sure what that means. I am sure nothing good. Either we are not doing our job or I am in trouble for doing something wrong, or he wants us to do more work. And I have enough trouble keeping up with what I am doing. Grrr..

 

Sunday was my second time at the new life group I am in. It was a little better. One guy talked about how he once had to do really hard construction work and he would come home feeling awful and tired everyday. It was almost too much that he could handle. And then one day, he is not sure if he just decided to see it through or something, but his mindset changed. He knew it was going to be hard and he set his mind to it. He was going to get through it. After that he felt better. He was much happier and talked to people and was able to witness. Even though it was hard and he was tired. I wish I could come to that point. And I feel like I have before. I set my mind to something and try and get through it. I do that everyday. It has just gotten so much harder because I don’t see there ever being an end. I am always going to be having to go through something hard and I will always have to decide to get through it? When does it get easier? I am not asking for years and years of it, but just for some sort of reprieve.