Set me free

8.20.09 pt2

So I am finally home from work. It has been crazy. A met with A and I about increasing customer count. I wish he would make up his mind. I tried doing that before. I would say, well any business is good business and he would be all, no you have to bring in outside sales to pay for your salary. Now he is back to the customer count and bringing sales inside…seriously. I am trying to do my job…he just keeps changing it on me. But I think I have it sort of sorted out. Whenever he gives me something to do or we have these meetings I feel like I have to get everything done like right then.

 

And he gave us these stupid goals. And I hate to tell him this, but I don’t deal with goals. They really mean nothing to me. I like short term goals, day to day goals, but long term goals that have to deal with increasing sales and customer counts…they aren’t going to make me work harder or give me a sudden stroke of genius that will give me the perfect idea that will save everything. I can only do what I can do and then let God handle the rest. And if I try and put that kind of pressure on myself I will fail. 

 

And what really sucked about this meeting is that I didn’t have enough time to really talk and concentrate. I never heard from him about when he wanted to have a meeting so I didn’t come in to the store. Then A called and was all aren’t you coming in for the meeting…and at that point, I only had like an hour before I had to do my delivery. And when I have a delivery and I know I will have to do it all myself, I need time.

 

But thankfully, I actually did have plenty of help. I like having S being a manager instead of with marketing because she knows my side and can actually help me get this stuff together for me. She is awesome. She has been a big help. And A did help me carry it all out to my car after the meeting that went too long. So there, that was a good thing that happened today. I should probably do that.  You know, find one good thing that happened all day to write about.

 

Tonight was way stressful. I had kind of gotten things under control and I was going in to finish up and the waterline broke and we had to close the store. Then A called and said that she went back to the doctor after surgery and she was bleeding internally and had a bladder infection and will be on permanent bed rest for who knows how long. So that meant that I had the storytelling day to do and had to stay to see when the water was turned back on. Which it didn’t so that got canceled. But I will have to pick up the slack for A now and do everything. I have no idea about these Saturday events and I can’t be there and work every Saturday. I just can’t work every Saturday. I will have to work this Saturday because I have two deliveries and last Saturday. I am not liking this whole working 6 days a week thing. I need my Saturdays off. They are what keep me sane throughout the week. I need two days off. Plus I have to go down and give the test on some Saturdays so I definitely can’t work.

 

My mom says that I should look at this as a challenge. Show them what I can do without A breathing down my neck. But I am just scared I will screw it all up and get yelled at. Cause I get so scared and so unsure of myself that I automatically psych myself out of doing good. I need to start thinking more positively. I need to stop hindering myself before I even do anything. I need to stop worrying about it. I know all of this…but I can’t. I don’t know how. I feel like I am so far down deep in my pit that I can’t even begin to find my way out. I am closer to the bottom and it is easier to sink lower than it is to try and force myself up the two feet that I can go. It is all so helpless and hopeless. I am so lost.

 

And I am having trouble thinking about what I really need to think about. Work, God, Witnessing, being nice and unselfish to people. I am having trouble just doing normal everyday stuff right now. I don’t know why everything is such an effort now. Showering, exercising, doing my foot exercises, walking, socializing. It is all so hard and it takes it all out of me.

 

I continue to wonder if I am really truly depressed. I have dealt with it before. I have been like this my entire life. I have always had trouble socializing. I have always preferred being home to being out doing something. I guess it was just easier to deal with it then. I got over it. Now, I am just so sick of fighting that feeling. I have random thought throughout the day…I wish I could get sick like A so I wouldn’t have to work and deal with everything. I wish I could be on bed rest. That is like my dream. I mean I know that it would be awful and horrible and I would hate it if it actually happened. But there is something so appealing about being forced NOT to work and NOT to have to socialize and deal with people.

 

I used to think I should be a nun…you know like a Baptist Nun…I could start a new convent. That would take care of my job, my single status, and I wouldn’t have to socialize with anyone but God. I have been in situations like that. I was alone a lot when I was unemployed and I hated it. I wanted to be doing something, be with someone. And I prayed so much that I was having awkward silences with God. So maybe the convent is not such a good thing. But it does seem so appealing.

 

And I have been thinking about what would happen if I just turned in front of a passing car and I died. I wouldn’t have to deal with all of this crap. I could die and go to Heaven and be with God. He is perfect. And accepts me as I am.

 

Am I just being dramatic? That would be me. I try to really think about it. My brain is foggy and unfocused. My mind is a battlefield that I feel like has been taken over by Satan. I don’t have the strength to fight back.

 

Set me free, leave me be.

I don’t wanna fall another moment into your gravity

Here I am, and I stand.

So tall, just the way Im supposed to be

But you’re onto me. And all over me.

 

I can’t seem to let you go.

All I know is that you’re keeping me down.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V4tuxWjqmeU