Fake Happy?

9.8.09

 

Today started off ok. It was nice to actually be able to work from home and feel like I could get things done without outside influences. So many things and people at work have a bad influence on my work. I either feel overwhelmed or I feel upset or discouraged or just plain depressed.

 

When I went into work this afternoon that was there. That thing that is hanging in the air that poisons everything. When I went home I felt discouraged and overwhelmed and upset. It just infuriates me that I can’t get any answers or anything done there. And whenever A asks me to do something he always asks it in away that makes it seem like I haven’t been doing my job. And why do I always have to do all deliveries? No matter what time or what day, it is my job. I need to start planning things so I do not have to do them all. But then they will be in a bad mood because I can’t do it. It is like they are never happy.

 

I feel like I should workout. Maybe that will help me sleep better. I need to get out and do something, but I just don’t want to. I don’t feel like it. I feel like I am doing everything wrong. And I should be getting more involved and making friends, but I don’t want to because it is just too hard and doesn’t feel right. I would rather stay at home and be miserable because when I do stuff with other people I know I sound like such a loser that I worry what they must think of me. And it is so hard to be fake happy. I am not happy. I don’t have any good news to tell. Even talking with my friends feels forced. I just want to crawl in a little ball and die. I am not accomplishing anything or good for anyone. I am just bringing everyone down.  I want to be like “yes, I am feeling better! Yes, I can be positive!” But I am not. It is just too hard. I’ve done it before and it never gets any easier. It is only getting harder. I am in this deep, deep bit of anxiety and fog. And no one can help me. I might as well just embrace to pain, spank your inner moppet, whatever.

 

I have no friends, a job I hate, and nothing makes me happy anymore.