Nagging Feeling

9.23.09

Today started out bad…as always. I get up with a pit in my stomach and shaking. A deep dread. I went to a meeting and then had a delivery and it actually all went very smoothly. It seemed like I knew what I was doing. It was a delivery that I do every week so I basically can do it in my sleep, and the meeting was with nice, friendly people and I had a lot to talk about because of the whole flooding issue.

So armed with my good mood, I actually decided to get some things done…those things that I couldn’t find the energy or the want to do the past two days. And I got a lot done. I actually asked A a couple of questions and actually got answers. It felt good. I am not sure what the difference was. Was it doing something this morning that I was good at? Was it A being off for most of the day so he couldn’t badger me with text messages barking orders at me? I don’t know what it was.

But as the day wore on, that nagging feeling in the back of my brain became more and more present. I worried about how in the world we are going to do all we have to do on Friday with the deliveries and football games and how somehow I will get blamed for it. I tried to tell myself that it would all work out, as it always does, but that nagging kept creeping up. I worried that some of the coolers are missing and I don’t know where they are. I tried to tell myself that maybe I am overlooking them or I need to look other places or that maybe T has them. But then that nagging…that ever present anxiety in the back of my brain.

I am worried that that is how it will be when I get on medicine. That it will be better, but I will still be constantly fighting the nagging anxiety. I just don’t think I can live with that nagging. I can’t keep fighting. It is too exhausting.