Medicine Problems

9.17.09

 

Past couple of days haven’t been good. I started a new medicine because the other one was making me feel worse…or I don’t know. Maybe it was just circumstantial and it wasn’t the medicine. I am not sure. But regardless, I have been very agitated and shaky. This week has been worse. I try to work and I try to plan do work and I just get very anxious and frustrated. I sit at the computer and just get nervous and jittery looking at my notes and my to do list. I can’t function. I didn’t think I was very good at my job before, well then…I am really doing a bang up job now. I can’t do the simplest of tasks. I have trouble making phone calls. I hate it when the phone rings.

 

I am not sure about anything right now. I am not even sure I want to get better. Is that weird? I don’t know why. Maybe I am afraid that I will always struggle and I will always have to fight to stay out of this and I just don’t feel like I am up for the fight anymore. Right now I am not on medicine and I can still use that excuse. Or even worse, what if the medicine doesn’t work and I just have to deal with this myself. Or what if it is all a moot point and the medicine is really just a placebo and it is all in my head. Or the joy that the medicine gives me is really just all in my head and it is really not working or it is and I am fighting being happy so hard that it doesn’t work. I am so scared of taking medicine. I am so scared of everything…of life. I am not strong enough to deal with life. I want everything in my life to be perfect. And it never will be. But that is the only way I can feel like I can be happy. And even if it is perfect, it is really not because then there is always something looming that might make it not perfect. And really, what is perfect? It doesn’t exist. And even if I got it, it wouldn’t be because I am not perfect. Why can’t I be perfect?

 

Why can’t I be normal? I can’t afford to be abnormal with all of these medical problems. I don’t’ have the money to be abnormal.

 

I don’t know where to go. There are so many options for getting better and I don’t know which way to go. And making a wrong decision costs money. I don’t know where to go. And do I have the strength and the will to want to change or have I just given up? Has the devil won? Am I too far gone and too weak to change?