Sleep

10.3.10

Mood: Depressed, Anxious

Positive Thoughts: Got to talk to people I love, got through the weekend, felt good to laugh

This weekend has been hard. At the party, we had to help A LOT! We had even serve the meal. And it was hard being around all of those people for that long of time. It is so draining to put on that front that everything is ok. I would have rather been at home watching TV, but I made it through it and I am glad I got to see some people. It was also hard not being able to sleep in my own bed and going to bed late. And we didn’t get home until late today also. There is so much that I didn’t get done this weekend that I needed to get done. I was getting very anxious. I am just glad that I have half days next week so I can try and do some of these things. But come soon that won’t be the case.

I talked to Bradley yesterday about my being in Valley. It was very hard to try and tell my seemingly perfect brother that I am in the nut house. And he, of course, didn’t understand. He went on about me not having any passion. Like that was the problem. Like if I could just go work at a s soup kitchen, everything will be fine. But right now all I have passion for is sleeping, but that is because I am filled with so much anxiety all day that I am so exhausted by the time I get home that I can’t do anything but sleep. Plus, sleep is the only time I am not anxious.

I was thinking about that passion earlier tonight. I was thinking I should try and find something to do while I am off this week. But I couldn’t’ think of anything that sounded good. It just all made me very very anxious. Maybe I should just start small. Maybe I should make plans just to see Teah’s new baby.

But as all of this was making me anxious, I thought I should get up an journal about it while it was on my mind. But instead I just rolled over and went to sleep. That is what I do. That is how I deal. I realize that now. I am already tired so it is just easier just to sleep rather than deal with the problem.