Process of Panic

9.30.10

Today I started a new thing. I started an all day treatment program...ok I went to Valley…the nut house. But that is not what is important. What is important is that I am getting the next step in my treatment.

It was a little scary. It was hard to know what to expect. It was scary to think about what would happen if this didn’t work. It is only a 10 day treatment plan. Can they really get me better in 10 days when I have been trying for over a year? I don’t like changing my meds when I am working. There is too much that is up in the air. It is very scary. So that is my biggest fear. That it won’t work. That I will have to deal with this stupid awful tension in my body forever. But maybe it will get me on the right track of being normal again.

That is what I am going to try in this new version of my journal. Positive thinking and less venting.

Positive thought: I don’t have to go to work for now.

Positive thought: I am getting help.

Positive thought: I will get better.

Positive things that have happened today: Looked really cute today, met some nice people, I really liked Nicole, my new counselor. I got to go get coffee and come home early. I got some errands done. I got to see the little puppies. I get to watch Vampire Diaries tonight!

So Nicole asked me to journal about what I was thinking right before my panic attacks. So here goes

I am at work. I already have that awful tension of anxiety on the inside of me. Brimming at the surface, waiting to come out, wanting to come out. Come out in the form of a panic attack. It’s like it wants to come out…it needs to…like it has a life of its own. Then I start to work. Things are going ok. And then something sets me off. It could be a patient that came in and didn’t have an appointment and wanted to see if they could be worked in. And then I call the nurse and can’t get the nurse on the phone. Or it could even be as simple as a patient that comes in for a flu shot. I have to put that person into the system, get them to sign all kinds of form, find the chart (not a fun thing if it is not in file) and then track down the phone nurse to get them to give the shot. And flu season is coming up and it will only get worse. So one or two or many things like this happen. I start to think about how it will get worse because of flu season. I start to see the other patients lining up waiting for me to wait on them. I start thinking about how they think about me and what I am doing that is taking so long. How they feel when I get up to leave to find a chart or find a nurse. Where is she going? Why is she leaving? She needs to be up here to help me. I can’t believe she just walked off. I deduce all of this from their look or their leaning on the desk or just them being there at all. As I am thinking about all of this, I might remember something that I did wrong or something that I didn’t do. I didn’t arrive a patient. I still haven’t gotten a hold of the phone nurse for the flu shot or gotten a hold of the nurse about that patient’s prescription. And on top of all of that the chart is not in file and the printer is not working! Any or all of these things can happen…they start to build up. The overwhelming feeling that is already in my brain and body is still there and the overwhelming feeling of work is piling up on top of it. My brain starts to panic. I start to think that I can’t handle this. I can’t do this. It is too much. I cant do anything right. I can’t help one person. Everyone has problems that I can’t take care of. Then the panic really reeves up. I can’t even think now. The panic is taking over and there are no rational thoughts. The only thought is just to run or hide. Run to the smallest darkest place that I can find before the panic completely takes over. And then I let it. And for a moment after the panic attack the anxiety goes away. Just for a moment. I had the panic attack; I am away from the people that want things from me and the problems that I was facing. But just as fast that moment goes away when I realize that I have to go back to the thing that caused the panic attack. Embarrassed and scared, I have to go back. And the process starts over again.