Need for Perfection

10.1.10

Mood: Content

Positive things that have happened to me today: Got to come home early and make magic cookie bars. Got to share in group today about my panic attacks and everyone was really impressed with my writing and could really identify with it. It was awesome. And I got to continue the conversation with my group at lunch too. I met with my doctor again today and she explained my meds again, thankfully. And I got to meet with another doctor. All in all, a good day.

I worry though. I worry that I am doing so well because I am not working. I am sure that is a big part of it. The real test will be when I go back to work. I hope that they can understand that there. I will still need them, more even, after I go back to work. Because that is where the trouble lies. But I cannot worry about that right now. I just need to take this time as a blessing…something that I have been needing and go with it. Take it one day at a time.

So Nicole asked me to journal about my need for perfection. Why am I this person?

So I guess that my panic attacks stem from my need for perfection. I can remember the thought before my worst panic attack was that I forgot to do something at work. I made a mistake. Of course, there was a whole lot more going on, but that was sort of the final straw. So maybe if I can figure out why I am like this I can stop the panic attacks.

I am not sure why I am this person. I don’t like this person that I have become. She is crazy, obsessive, has low self esteem, and feels like she always has to be perfect at everything. She is not a happy person. So why am I like this?

I know a lot of it stems from my mother. During my childhood, she always felt like the house needed to be perfectly clean, my clothes perfectly folded, and my hair in a neat little ponytail.

But I can’t lay all blame on her. I have been like this for as long as I can remember. I remember in the second grade when my art project didn’t look like all the others and I got upset and cried.

I even feel the need for the journal to be perfect. I feel like there needs to be some big breakthrough in this area of perfectionism. And I am not getting it.

I can’t blame my past forever. I’ve got to put on my big girl panties and step and take responsibility for the me that is now. How can what I know help me get rid of my panic attacks?

Rationally, I know that only God is perfect. But for me, it has always been an all or nothing thing. I am either perfect or I just give up. So most of the time I just give up. So for now I am giving up.

After a weekend of analyzing my need for perfection, I realized that I am not going to figure it out anytime soon. Maybe it’s enough to know where it comes from and that it is the source of my panic attacks. Maybe I just need to work on small things like not washing my face every night being ok with it. 

I was working out last night and I was thinking about how I used to could keep up with everyone in there. I could do GI Jane.  But after all my injuries I can’t do as much anymore. That bothered me a lot at first and I stopped doing the classes. But I am back doing them now and I am ok with not being able to do as much. I just realized my health is more important to me that trying to be perfect. Maybe I can make that translate into my job.