Back to Work

10.14.10

Mood: Depressed

Positive thoughts: Made it through the first day, didn’t have a panic attack

Today was my first day back at work. I was very anxious going into it. As I started to work, I could feel myself start to cry. No reason, nothing made me cry. I just started to cry. It wasn’t much at first, but after about 15 minutes or so I could feel myself sobbing. Full on runny nose, red face sobbing. I was walking around looking for charts so I kept standing in the doctors’ offices sobbing, praying no one would hear or see me. I continued to work as I cried, as best I could. Many thoughts ran through my mind. Why am I crying? Maybe I came back to work too soon. Maybe I am just a freak and cannon go back to work forever. I am a crying freak.

I am not sure why I cried so much. Am I sabotaging myself? Am I giving in to easy to those overwhelming emotions? I seemed to cry more when people would talk to me. Maybe I was just so upset that I couldn’t really tell them what was really going on. Maybe I wanted them to know, to really understand, to help. And I knew that none of that could happen. Maybe I was upset that I couldn’t match their excitement of me coming back. Because in reality I was anything but excited; I was scared, anxious, and sad. I did not want to be there. I was not excited to see them.

I cried for most of the afternoon and then I just felt depressed. The dark part of my brain was feeding my depression by telling me that I was pathetic. No one was really talking to me so the dark part of my brain told me that no one liked me and should just give up and go home and kill myself. I heard about someone who had a disease and almost died and I wanted to be that person. I was caught in this strange thought pattern. I was upset that I wasn’t needed more, but I didn’t want to be needed because I could not handle it. I knew I could handle more than I was doing.

I didn’t really feel like I was any different than I was when I left and I thought everyone else was thinking that too. I still was crying and upset. I still couldn’t do anything but file charts and pull phone messages. I was pathetic.

I am struggling to find the rational brain in all of this. This was just the first day, it will get better, and no one is thinking anything about me. They are just trying to leave me alone. Just breathe and talk it one day at a time. But the problem is that I don’t really believe any of this while I am there. I am fighting to not believe the irrational thoughts. I am not strong enough to actually believe the rational thoughts. I don’t believe or not believe. I am just depressed.