Depressed

10.11.10

Mood: Crap

Positive Thoughts:

I feel like crap. I don’t know why. Crap, crap, crap, crap crap. I have felt like crap basically since Saturday. It even started Saturday morning. I kind of felt like there wasn’t even a reason to get up in the morning. There is not a reason to live. I don’t like watching TV anymore and I don’t listen to music. There is nothing that enjoy anymore. I just sleep. I love to sleep. I live for darkness when I can finally sleep. I curse the morning that means that I have to get up and live my life. I have to pretend to care and pretend to live.

It’s not always like this. I have moments where I am not feeling so down. Where I can actually mean how I am acting. It is not always so bad. But it is always there. Like the anxiety, always waiting in the wings, in the back of my head, letting me know that I am not as strong as I think I am.

So you see, as I fight the anxiety each and everyday, I have to fight the depression just as hard. I have to force myself to care, to interact with people, to pretend to enjoy things.

And on top of that awful depression, I have to fight the anxiety that is brimming at the surface. Even though I am not at work, still doesn’t go away. I obsess over whether the toilet will flush or why the covers on my bed won’t stay straight. And the threat of work is a constant anxiety that hovers over my head, ranging from crazy patients to simple things like patients forgetting the date. It is all a stress. I am so anxious about it all starting again.

I don’t feel like I am better. I felt better on Friday. But after the awful weekend I had, I feel worse. I don’t feel like I am in the right frame of mind to go back to work. I don’t feel like I am ever going to go get any better. I have been dealing this for so long and it just seems like I can’t get over this. It is like a cold that won’t go away. I was reminded today about how many medicines that I have taken over the last year and half and it depressed me. How many times that the doctors have been wrong. It is so depressing. I am never going to get better.