Too Hard

10.16.10

 

Mood:  Depressed

 

Positive Thoughts: Balanced my checkbook, finished last season of Supernatural

 

Today was a bad day. I was depressed all day. I know I should have gotten out and done something, but the depression kept me in bed all day. Every time I got up there was this heaviness in my heart. I couldn’t get away from it.

 

I know there is this part of me, the dark part, that doesn’t want me to get better. I am not sure why. Some days, like today, it is just easier to let it take over more of my brain than I would normally do. It is just too hard fighting it. Saturdays are usually the day I let my guard down and let it take over. I fight it all week, making myself get out of bed, making myself work. But not today…today it is just too hard.

 

Where does this sick part of me come from? I know it has something to do with expectations. I know that if I get better people will expect more of me. Expectations I don’t know if I can live up too.  It is easier to play the sick card and let everyone have lower expectations of me. And yes, I do play the sick card. I sometimes try and make myself worse than I am just because that dark part of me wants me to fail.

 

I also am scared of getting better because then I won’t have anything to blame my mistakes, my bad moods, all my bad stuff on. I would have to be a real person again. I have lived with this for so long that I don’t know what I would be without it. I can’t go back to who I used to be before this. I have been through too much. So who does that make me? I am scared of the person I might become.

 

Another reason I do not want to get better is because I am scared of how hard it will be. I don’t think I am strong enough to do the work it really takes to get better. And I know I will eventually relapse and have a bad day. I don’t think I can handle that. There are so many other hard things ahead of me in my life. Other jobs, marriage, kids, death…all of these things are going to be stressful at some point. There are so many things I keep saying I will do when I get better; think about moving out, lose weight, date. If I don’t get well I won’t ever have to deal with most of these.

 

It is just easier to stay in the dark place and have everyone forget about me. I everyone forgets about me then I won’t disappoint anyone when I don’t get better.