Parts

10.21.10

Mood: unsure

Positive things: Going to serve breakfast tomorrow at Emmaus, had a breakthrough at group

Group was rough today. I figured out that I am even more screwed up than I realized. I am not really depressed or anxious, my subconscious is just making me think I am to get me out of going to work. How sick is that? I am sabotaging myself and I have been for years.

This was my worst fear when all of this started. I didn’t even want to take medicine because I was afraid that I would take it and it wouldn’t make me better and then I would know that it was just me causing all of this drama and I would be left with all my dark thoughts to deal with.

Nicole wants me to get more in touch with that dark side of myself. Why is it protecting me? Why does it sabotage me? It is even sabotaging my attempt to get better.

The main why I sabotage myself is by doing whatever I can to get out of a place or situation I don’t like. If I didn’t like the people I was around I would go to another place in my mind with different people that I liked. And now I have this feeling of wanting to crawl under something, to escape to some dark place to get away from something I don’t like. It is almost like a compulsion. I really do not like reality.  

But more recently I am sabotaging my success at work by being sick. It is something my subconscious does. It makes me think that I am sick to get out of working. I almost become physically ill when I have to go to work. I get so anxious that I get sick at my stomach. I am always trying to think my symptoms are because of some awful thing that is wrong with me. I am a bit of a hypochondriac. I really do not like to go to work. I don’t like to face reality and work is reality. I am afraid of things that are out of my control.

And I don’t like to change. When there is something that is wrong with me I don’t want to change it. It is too hard. It seems impossible to change myself. I feel like I can’t do it. There are too many obstacles preventing me from changing. Too many walls that my subconscious puts up. I don’t think I am strong enough. I don’t have enough confidence in myself. I don’t believe in myself.

I also believe that things around me have to be perfect. My room has to be perfect, I have to be perfect. I have to do everything perfectly. And I don’t want to do anything unless it is going to be perfect. I don’t want to go back to work unless I can be much much better…or until I can be perfect. I am a perfectionist. I like to have everything under control.

So does it all come down to control? I can’t control myself and the situation so I just don’t do anything. Does my subconscious know I can’t be perfect so instead it makes me sick so I don’t have to deal with not being perfect? Cause with me it is kind of all or nothing. If I can’t be perfect then I guess I just won’t do anything. I can’t have it all so I guess I will have nothing.    

I don’t want to get better because I know it is not going to be perfect. It will be one step forward two steps back. I am going to fall down again. And taking on something where I know I will fail is counter to my nature. I don’t do things that I know I will fail at.

Parts of Stephanie

Dark part-the deep dark part of myself that sabotages me, keeps me down, and makes me think bad about myself

Rational part-the part of me that still continues to try and doesn’t give up, the part that tells me I am good.

Spiritual part-the part of me that loves God and knows that He died for my sins and makes me clean

Musical part-the part of me that gets such joy out of a good song

TV/book/imagination part-the part that can go to a different place and completely forget about reality if only for a short time

Food part-the part that can make some mean cinnamon rolls and gets such joy out of watching them rise

Friend part-the part of me that has fun and loves to laugh

Serious part-the part that doesn’t mind analyzing myself on a daily basis.