What's the point?

10.19.11

So here’s a big revelation…I don’t want to get better. No, I don’t. I am just not interested in that. I really just want to die. I have nothing to gain from getting better. There is nothing in this world that is good enough for me to want to get better. The things that happen with getting better are uncertain, and messy, and just something that is not worth all the pain and the crap and the sorrow that goes a long with it. Death is certain. Death is final. Death is the end. Death means that no matter what there will be no more pain. There will be no more crap. I won’t have to deal with all of this anymore. I am tired. I am just really really tired of dealing with this. I am really really tired of worrying about falling apart and worrying about something happening that will make me fall apart.

 

What it there is a flood? What if there is a tornado? What if my favorite clothes go missing in the flood or the tornado? What if my parents die? What if I have no one? What if V get fired and we only have two people on the phones? What if I have a panic attack? What if I can’t overcome my panic attack and have to go home? What if I can’t go back? What if I am just not strong enough?  

 

What if there is a famine? What if all I can eat is bad food and I gain all my weight back? What if all everything stops working and there is mass chaos in the world. Cause you know it’s going to happen. These are the end days here. Stuff like this happens. I am just sick to death of worrying about crap happening. I have been like this forever. I am just getting worse.

 

So there is really nothing to look forward to. It all goes downhill from here. Great, so now tell me what is so great about getting better?

 

I think about my life before I got sick. It wasn’t so great. There were problems. There were always problems and there will always be problems. And I was never good at dealing with problems. And now, after all of this crap, I am going to deal with problems even worse. So what’s the point? Why does anyone even want to live if there are all of these problems?

 

So, God, can I just die? Can I be in some car crash or accidentally OD on my medicine or get shot? Or how about a brain anrysum. Can you do that for me? It would be swell. I don’t understand why this can’t happen. I don’t understand why this is a bad thing. People die everyday. Why can’t one of them be me? That’s all I’m asking.

 

So take that little glass cross necklace that I got in Venice, my tivo, my bed that I love so much, my favorite pair of shoes, and that gelato that I will never get to taste over at Earth Fare and shove it up your ass because I don’t want any of it anymore. I would trade it all if I could just die. If I could just end this whole thing.

 

And all of this losing weight and exercising, and caring about stuff and doing my job and acting like I like stuff…it’s all an act. It a huge façade, and wall that I put up to deal with life from day to day…that’s it…it’s fake. That’s why I think no positive thoughts and no negative thoughts. It would break the wall to think those thoughts. So why do it? Why fake it? I guess it’s just something I have to do to get by until I do die. I am just biding my time until I do die. And it is getting harder and harder to get by. And I am just tired of it, tired of acting like I’m better, tired of not letting my real emotions out. I’m tired of going to the bathroom and crying and then having to hurry up and dry my tears because I have to get back to work. I am tired of trying to hide this mess that is inside me.

 

But I must do what I must do…one more day. Maybe tomorrow is the morning I won’t wake up.