What do I want

10.26.10

Mood: better

Positive things: feeling better, not having to go to work

Today was a little better even though I did not want to get up this morning so much that I was really really late. I didn’t get in the shower until 8:30! But I feel a little better. I still want to go to bed though…just not as much as I did yesterday.

Nicole wanted me to pay attention to the times when I feel better and really see what is going on in my head. I guess I am not thinking as much. When I get really depressed I am thinking about the future and how hard it will be to get over this, to go back to work, to live life. But right now I am just thinking about the present…today. What can I get done today? I also feel more like embracing the good mood. When I am depressed nothing that I do or whatever anybody says can make me feel better…because I don’t want to feel better. I am too down in the depths of my mind, worrying about the future…knowing that I can’t possibly get over this. So maybe the key is to just focus on today. One thing at a time.

Nicole also wanted me to write about what the future might look like for me. That is really scary to think about. I don’t really know any goals that I have or would want to have. I am kind of at a loss. I guess I just really want to be able to live my life without this fog around my brain. That is the first thing. But what does that really look like?

I want to have a job. Not one that I love or anything. Just one that I tolerate and won’t have panic attacks and depression every time I think about going there. I know that I won’t always have good days and it will be hard, but just to be able to work like a normal person without the crap in my head. I would feel confident and on top of things. I would have a few co workers that I could trust and laugh with. We would have a few minutes in the morning to chat about who got kicked off dancing with the stars or whatever, but mostly we just had a good working relationship. It might be hard and stressful at times, but I could deal with it. And it wouldn’t take all the energy out of me to do it. I could still have enough energy and be positive enough to go home and still have a life.

I want to have friends. Not friends that I have to see or talk to everyday, just friends that I can go out to eat with or go shopping with. And when I did those things I wouldn’t be tired and worn out and depressed when I did them. I would have fun. I would love to come home of course, but I would realize that I really do love my friends and enjoy spending time with them.

I want to be able to connect with God. Not have great feelings and always feel connected but have a generally good relationship with Him. Not that I would always read my Bible, not that I would always enjoy church, but that I would be able to read the Bible and understand it again, feel like I am hearing God’s word again instead of just words on a page or words from a preacher. I want to feel like joining a Bible study again and get involved with church. I want to have the energy and the want to so I can be involved again.

I don’t want to feel like going home everyday from work and going to bed.