Too good to be true?

12.26.10

Ive really had some pretty good weeks at work. There has been some peaceful times. That is different for me. There have been some stressful times but I got through them. I only had one breakdown last week when the stress lasted for several hours. I had to go in the back and cry. But one is not bad.

The problem is that I keep thinking it's too good to be true. It's not going to be permanent. It is all going to go away and the anxiety and depression will come back. I am scared of tomorrow. The day after a holiday is always more stressful. That is when I had my worst panic attack. I dont want to go back there. I'm afraid that one day I will wake up and the peace and happiness will be gone. I'm afraid that one thing wrong, one more thing on my plate and it will all fall apart. That is why I just come home from work and lay down. I don't go workout, I don't help clean or cook dinner. I just lay there. It's not that I'm depressed, it's more that I'm just so scared to do anything will I'm at home to jeopardize the peace I finally have at work. Like it will all go away if I try and have a life at home. 

I still have my down times. When my mind stops and I'm laying in bed. And I think what do I have in my life? Nothing. And the Suicidal thoughts start. I'm afraid to go there because I'm afraid I won't come back. But the thoughts come. I don't want to explore my dark place or any deep place. I don't want to think about those places or get too deep because that might jeopardize this good feeling. I'm scared to go to therapy. I'm scared to write in my journal. 

There is also this massively hyper side. I am especially hyper in the morning. I don't know if it's because I am bipolar or because of the medicine. I don't remember how I was before I got sick. I don't remember if I was ever hyper. It is like that was a different person then. I am so different now. And I really don't like it. I don't know this person like I knew the other one. I don't know how she will react to stress or things in her life. What is too much for her? Another reason I am scared to upset her. Scared to change the routine.