Guys and a normal life

8.23.2011

I went out on a date last night for the first time in years. It was a disaster from the start really. I don’t know how I feel about what happened. I got caught up in the excitement. I thought it might turn into something. There were just some major red flag moments. I don’t know if I was expecting too much or maybe I was too rigid in what I wanted or maybe I overreacted. I was at this place in my life where I was doing ok by myself. I wasn’t doing great but I was surviving. Suddenly this happened and it made everything better. It made me see myself differently. It made me like myself or the things I enjoy doing. I felt like he liked me. Or that I was who I was and that was ok with me. I was passionate about what I liked again.

But now…now I am let down. I wanted for this to work. I wanted it to be something. It reminded me of what I could have. What my life could be like. I could be happy again. I could be married and have a normal life. I could be myself again. And now, for some reason I feel like that isn’t possible. Back to my old, wanting to kill myself life again.

 

The whole thing really wasn’t a fair situation. I was too tired to really enjoy myself. I just kept wanting to go home. I don’t want to have to be a witty conservationist and pay attention to people when I am tired. But this isn’t the first time this has happened. It seems like every time I go out and do something these days I feel like this. I feel anxious and jittery and out of place. I just really want to go home. I want to go home so bad that I count down the minutes until I am home.

I thought this was going to be different. I don’t know why. I just thought if it was going to be the right one that I would feel more comfortable. But why should I feel comfortable around someone when I am not even comfortable in life. I keep forgetting that I am still not better. There are still some major things that I need to work through. And that really depresses me. That it’s never really over. It never really goes away. I don’t feel like I can live much of a life until I get over this…if I ever do.

It is hard to deal with this. I feel like I can’t think about anything or talk about anything that is too emotional because it will cause me to fall apart at work. I always have a bad day on Wed after therapy. I can’t let myself fall apart. I have this wall that I put up.  

I have this dream…a dream of a guy, someone who will love me just for me…celebrate the little quirks that make up me. Someone who won’t judge me or try and change me. Someone who loves the fact that I can quote While You Were Sleeping verbatim, who loves my silly little dancing, and my funny biting sense of humor that I got from watching way too much TV.

 

The problem with this picture is that the longer I wait for this guy, the older I get. Am I just wanting too much? Is what I want just a dream? Does it not happen like I think it would?

 

It is just that right now I cannot take anyone or anything in my life that does not accept me as I am. I don’t trust anyone anymore. I don’t trust myself. It is hard to open yourself up to someone just to have them judge you. That is why I am not talking to E.

 

Am I being too hard on J? Am I being too ridged? Do I need to give him another chance? Do I need to be ready to compromise and try and see his side of things? Isn’t that what you are supposed to do in a relationship? But I don’t want to compromise too much that I lose myself again.

 

I think I liked the idea of J more than the actual J. I know I didn’t give him a far chance. I was mad and very tired. It was a very bad date. I just keep remembering the way he spoke to me, the way he made me feel. He made me feel like I was less of a person…like my interests and my feelings were trivial. I was just being dramatic and stressing out…like girls do.

 

I don’t know…maybe I was reading too much into it, maybe I was being too sensitive. Maybe I don’t need to be in a relationship right now. And I knew that. And he kept pushing…and I got caught up in the excitement of it all and it was a disaster.

 

I just feel sad. I feel sad that I am still like this…that I can’t move on with my life. I still want to kill myself. I still have panic attacks. I still have anxiety. I still feel like crap. I mean is this just what life is going to be like forever? Am I just going to have to live with this following me around all the time? I want it to get easier. I want to go back to the way it used to be. I want to move on. I want to be better. I feel like I am standing still. I am standing so still that I can’t breathe. It is a choice though. I feel like I have to be like this for my sanity.  

 

I remember when I first knew that I was really saved. I was dating N and I was doing Experiencing God and everything became so clear to me. Everything lined up. I could finally, clearly see what God’s will for me was. And I broke up with N. I thought it would be awful, but there was this incredible peace. That is how I knew. There was nothing that I had done. It was all Him. I felt that for the first time in my life.

 

Cut to a few years later. I was still searching for God’s will in my life. I still craved his working in my life…just to hear from Him. I joined a Bible Study called the Disciples Cross. It was a long, 6 month commitment. It was very intense. At the time I thought I was really getting close to God. I was doing what He wanted me to do. I felt like I was a stronger Christian. I could verbalize my testimony. I felt like I could witness to people. But as I look back on it, I am not sure. Was it just me doing what I thought God wanted me to do or was it something that was real and came from my heart? I don’t really know the answer to that. That seems like such a long time ago.

 

Towards the end of that period I went on the Walk to Emmaus. At the time I felt like it was the closest to God that I had ever felt. I felt like I was sitting on Heaven’s door listening to God breathe. It was such a spiritual high. I felt like God was telling me that I had hid under my rock for far too long. That season was over. It was time to come out and live. I liked my rock. It was nice a cozy under there. I was safe. I thought at the time that God was confirming the job that I had recently taken. That even though it was a big task that I wasn’t sure I was up to, trust in Him and he would help me do it. That job seemed like a perfect fit for me. I felt like God was confirming that. I don’t know if that was real. I don’t know if I just imagined all of that or just hoped for it.  

 

That was the last time I ever remembering being happy. That was the last time I remember feeling like I was close to God. That was the last time I felt normal. It all fell apart after that. I don’t understand it. Why did God tell me that I needed to come out from under that rock if He knew I was just going to get stomped on? I mean I really got knocked down. A month later I was in therapy. I was having panic attacks. The job was treating me like crap. I was failing miserably at my job.

 

Why God? Why? I mean, really? You tell me to trust You and this happens? Did you just give me over to the devil? Was this some 21st century version of Job? Really? And you aren’t there? I am sure you are really there somewhere, but there are no words, no feelings, nothing. And it just went from bad to worse. And then came the firing. Then came Valley. And blah, blah, blah, we all know that story too well.

 

So here I am today. Better, yes. But it’s still there. It is still hard. It won’t go away. I feel damaged and broken. And I look up at God and ask Him, why? And where are You now? How do I get back to You? How do I trust you again? Really? What do you expect from me now after what you did to me? What was that? All I am left with are questions and tears and a hole in a broken heart.