Pondering

10.28.11

Last year was hard. Last year I had such awful anxiety that I could barely function at work. That anxiety would inevitably lead to a panic attack. Every little thing like someone coming in for a flu shot or someone needing to pick up a prescription could cause me such anxiety that I would go into a panic attack. Things overwhelmed me a lot.

 

This year is different. This year I am not at the front desk, I am on the phones. Things don’t overwhelm me quite like they used to. I can remember days when things were really really busy and stressful but I handled it. It was hard and most of the time I had a breakdown on the way home, but I handled it all. I still have occasional panic attacks. I still do get anxious. But it is different. The anxiety I feel is more of a shaking that isn’t really tied to my brain as much. And when I get overwhelmed and anxious it is usually because I am obsessing or worrying about something I did or didn’t do. I have a lot of those moments. The phones are different though. You basically work on each call by yourself. The conversation is between you and the other caller and it is up to you what you want to tell them or not tell them. You can lie to them if you want to and believe me sometimes I have. I have told people I was the answering service and the office wasn’t open. But it is a very individualized thing. And yes there are times when it comes back to bite me. Someone complains on me, someone tells on me, sometimes it gets back to the boss. And I always worry that it will. When I get in trouble I can usually go back to the exact conversation that they are talking about because I have already been obsessing over it. So the obsessing and worrying is not good. But that was there before.

The wall has kept me sane through a lot of work stuff. It has allowed me to not get as upset about things like I used to. The same things still upset me, but it isn’t as debilitating as it once was. The wall also allows me to keep that nasty dark part of my brain at bay. It creeps up there every now and then, but I can usually mentally block it out most of the time. That is not to say that it is not still there. I still do want to die. That part hasn’t ever changed. It is always there. I just try not to think about it as much. I don’t think about the future much at all really. I just have been surviving day by day. And just to survive each day takes every ounce of my energy and willpower. So when I get home I collapse. I mentally can’t do much except watch tv and go to bed. That is probably why I can’t pay attention in church or have trouble listening to people when they talk to me. My mind tends to shut down and wonder. I’m just so tired. I’m tired of everything being so hard.

The things I miss most in life…

The things I miss most in life are peace and joy. Or just actually having a life. Not being so tied to work all the time. Always worrying about work or planning for work. I miss being normal. I miss wanting to live. I miss wanting a future. I miss being comfortable around people and away from home. I just miss being myself. I miss my enthusiasm for things. I miss relaxing. I miss not actually having to plan my emotional moments.

The things I don’t want to ever have to live without are…

The things I don’t want to ever have to live without are my parents. They are all I have left. I don’t have any friends anymore. I don’t feel like I have a very large support system. I know there are a lot of people who care about me, but I don’t feel like I can depend on them. Everyone seems to be so wrapped up in their own life. I wonder who would take care of me if my parents died. I know that is a weird question for a 30 year old to ask, but I wonder that.