How do I make this go away?

11.1.11

 

I don’t know really where to go from here. I was so sure it was my hormones. I was so sure that was going to be the reason I was like this. I was so sure the doctor could fix me. I was wrong. I wanted it to be easier. I wanted something to be easy because everything else is so hard. I’m just sick of trying. I’m sick of looking for solutions that aren’t there. Maybe I’m just depressed and anxious. Am I always going to be this way? Is it always going to be this hard? The coconscious is that is it going to be with me forever.

 

The problem with this is that no matter what I do or where I go it follows me. Like those stupid Abilify commercials. Even though she gets better, her depression is still there following her around. Is that how it’s going to be? Will it always be around? That commercial disturbs me. It doesn’t really seem like she gets better. That little cloud is still there. It follows her around.

 

This depression and anxiety controls my life. I used to think it was my job, and that is apart of it, but it is this disease. From how much sleep I get at night, to what I do on the weekends, to what I wear to work, and what pen I use, everything is controlled by this disease. It is kind of like they taught us at Valley last year, you are the circle, right now the depression is the whole circle. You need to make it only be a small part of the circle. How do I get it to be gone? Does it ever end?

 

How do I not let it control me? It affects my whole life. I want to be able to be happy and peaceful and be comfortable around people and enjoy doing things. I want to be able to work and not let it get me down all the time.

 

If I can’t make it go away then how do I control this?