Angry

10.30.11

 

I think I have to acknowledge my anger in this situation. I’m still so angry at God for keeping me here, for bringing me back to this low place again. What do I have to do to get out of here? It’s not fair. It’s been 2 years…2 years of this crap. Why am I still here? Please, God...I beg you to hear my prayer. Take these demons that oppress me away. Give me strength to fight again. Give me the want to get better again. Help me to get past this. Take this away from me. Heal me, God. Please. I can’t do this anymore. I’m just too tired. And I pray, and yet I hear nothing. There are no words, no feeling, no nothing. Nothing to even let me know that he is here. I feel so alone.

 

And I also need to acknowledge my anger at Nicole. A lot of her advice last year was get up and do it. Even when you don’t feel like getting out of bed, get up and do it. It will get easier. Well, you know what, Nicole. I did that for months, almost a year. I wanted to die, I didn’t want to get out of bed. I didn’t want to go to work, but I did. I got up, put up that wall and went to work every single day. I did that. It was hard, but I did that. And it never got easier. Never. It only got harder and harder and harder until I ended up back here again. What is your advice now? How do you suppose to help me now? Tell me again that it get easier. Tell me how to function again.

 

And I’m angry at myself. I messed up. I couldn’t handle it. I had this little life going just so. Every hair in place, every little book on the self…and I lost it. How could I let myself do that? Why did I mess it all up?

 

And I’m angry at my stupid doctors who mess with my medicine and my hormones and think it’s not their problem that I am suicidal and depressed. It’s your other doctor’s problem. It’s not your hormones, it is your hormones, talk to your psychiatrist. Everyone keeps passing the buck, putting me on more medicine, playing around with my life and it doesn’t work. I have to work, I have to live, I have to be in this body 24 hours a day and you don’t have the right to do this to me. I just wanted to see a doctor. I just needed to see someone that could help me. And there was no one. I had to check myself into Valley because I couldn’t get into see a doctor. I hate stupid Jeff for going on medical leave and leaving me high and dry and I hate Dr. Boshaun for not having any close appointments. And I hate Dr. Masachck for not taking my condition seriously. And not being able to see me for three weeks! Does she not understand that I am dying here? Doesn’t anybody care?

 

And I need to acknowledge my grief. I had that life that I had created for myself. It was awful and hard and I was barely hanging on, but it was my little life. I was surviving. I was making it…barely, but I was. I got up and went to work everyday. And now it’s gone. I failed. I lost it. I couldn’t hack it. I lost that little life. And it’s sad. It wasn’t working so great, but it was mine and I was doing the best I could. And the fact that it didn’t work is just sad. I tried so hard to make it work. I tried so hard to just survive. I wanted it to work. And I failed. My best just wasn’t good enough.