Worry

11.3.11

 

So I used to call this my worry journal. I used to put everything I was worried about in here…and I still do. So here’s what I’m worried about right now:

Everything is changing.  I don’t’ do well with change. I suck at it. Here are the things that are changing next week:

My diet. I lost all my weight, yeah! But here comes the part that I don’t know about. How do I maintain this weight? It’s ok. I have stabilization first. That is basically eating what I am eating now just adding things. No big deal. Just stick to the plan that has worked.

This weekend. Why did I decide to be spontaneous? I can’t even spell that word. Me driving 2 hours in the car with no cd player and no xm radio? I will die! And how will this affect my diet? And will I get all crazy anxious and stuff? It’s ok. Take a break from the diet this weekend. Don’t think about it. Give yourself a pass. And as far as the driving is concerned, bring your ipod and put on some podcasts. They are always good for long trips. And this is a good test to see how well you handle being around people again. You need this. You will still have 3 days left before you have to go back to work and even then it’s only for 2 days and then you get the weekend.

My new therapist and psychiatrist. I know I needed a change…I know this is all good for me. But what I am mostly worried about is fitting into my schedule. So far I can only get it on the days that I am off from work. So I am having to wait until December 1 to see both of them. I don’t like going that long without a therapist. And I am worried that they won’t be able to have late appointments. And if they don’t who will I go to? I need to see a therapist every week. This is all so difficult.

That new DBT class. It is hard enough to be starting all these new things, but to start a new class too.

I am mostly worried about going back to work. I thought I wasn’t, but I am. I am still feeling really irritable and anxious and on edge. I need to be more at peace when I go back to work. I need to not want to rip the phone off the wall or hang up on patient. I’m just worried that I’m not going to be able to do it. I am worried I am going to fall apart again. I am worried that I won’t be able to handle it.

I don’t know what happened. I was fine today. I was feeling good and ready to face it all. I am sabotaging myself…like I always do. My body rebels against me and causes me this extreme panic. I guess it started from trying to schedule my therapy appointments. It just reminded me that I have to work and that it is so hard to get off to do anything like this. And that now I have no PTO and I will have to work like crazy just like I did last year just to get my vacation. I was in a good place, it was working, not well, but it was working…why did I have to mess it all up by going to Valley and wanting to change doctors and therapists and deciding to stop losing weight. I know my routine was killing me…I know, but not having that routine is so scary that I don’t know if I will be able to handle work and life without that routine.