Bask

1-2-13

So new year, new…old problems…just because some sort of standard measure of time clicks over to a new year doesn’t meant that it is not just another day. It is just another day…another day to get through. I just need to take it one day at a time.

I have been feeling very crowded lately…my brain that is. I have been trying to cram too much in again. I just need to sort it out. What am I obsessing about?

My job is a constant source. I am always trying to control my job and what I do. But really…looking back on it…how much has that helped…not much. Trying to keep jobs, trying to find new jobs, trying just to stay afloat most of the time. I mean there is a certain amount of control that I can have over my job. I can choose to get out of bed and come in and work, or not. I can choose to help other people or sit here and do nothing. I can choose how I react to things…but that is really all I have control over. I have no control over whether I get to keep this job. So why does my body and mind feel like I do? God is the only one who has control. As I have said before many times, if God wants me to be here then He will make a way. If He doesn’t then I don’t want to be here. All this I know…it does no good to try and control things…

I guess that is what I am doing with the gate. I am trying to control it with what I know.

I think I am just putting so much pressure on myself to get this…to understand it…right now. And I can’t. It is the beginning of a new year and I want to be able to have everything figured out and everything good going into it. I am so scared that this year will be no different than the other years. That I will continue down this path and never get better. It really depressed me when I read something Danna wrote about how bad her anxiety was and how 5 months have gone by and how much better she is and how God got her through it. That is really hard to deal with. I hate people who have problems and then get through them. It makes it seem like I am never going to get through mine. Why does mine have to be the one that never goes away? It’s not fair. I hate my life so much. I just want to die. I don’t want to do this anymore. My brain needs to shut up. It makes me so tired that I can’t do anything about it. What is the point anymore? Pauline says I need to find some medicine that will help quiet my brain. I have tried all the medicine. It doesn’t work. So I am just here, waiting, for something to get better. I don’t know how to get better.

I am trying to control how I get better. I can’t control it. That is so frustrating. I can’t do anything about this. I can do the best I can, but that is it. I don’t know how to give it up. Wave the white flag. Give it up to God. I don’t know how to let go. And I can let go on the surface, but deep down in my stomach, where the anxiety lives, it is holding on tight. That is the feeling that I have. The feeling that my body is holding onto this control of my illness and my life so tightly that I can’t let go.

God, I want to let go. I want to give it up to you. I want to stop banging against the iron gate. It doesn’t work. I know that. But I don’t know how to let go…not for real. I want to let go and be able to let the gate just come open by itself. I know you are talking to me. I know you are there. You are giving me these little drops of your word and I just don’t know how to connect them. Help me to let go and be open to see what you want me to see. I want to give up that control. I just want to bask in you.

B-Breathe of Heaven

A-All I Am

S-Sing of Your Mercy, Still Seek You

K-