Friends

12.6.12

I am not sure writing is helping me. It seems to make me think about things more and make me more upset. It is hard to try and write and figure out what is going on and it not make me sad.

I feel very sad today and yesterday. I was ok yesterday morning. I wasn’t great, but it was ok…just a little depressed. But after therapy it got really bad. Pauline wanted me to call my friends and make plans with them or go out and make new friends. That really make me upset. I wasn’t really sure why. I didn’t want to try and make plans with friends. They never have any time for me. And I hate to be the person who begs people to hang out with me. It makes me feel like a loser and a burden …like I am the loser person who has no friends. It seems like all my friends have other friends that they can talk to and do things with, but I don’t. All the other friends  I have other friends. It is like I am not important enough to be friends with. I know it is not all that…people are busy. People have commitments to work and family and all of that…but I just feel sad and lonely.

And really I don’t know if I want to things with friends. There have been times when I have had fun with friends, but a lot of the time I just get anxious or restless and all I want to do is go home. And calling and begging people to hang out with me is sad and it makes me feel guilty and a burden even when we are hanging out. But I think mostly it is this depression and anxiety that makes it hard. It is like I don’t want to see people and them to see that I am still not better and them to think that wow she is STILL not better. What is wrong with her? It must be something she is doing or not doing. I really don’t like hanging out with this person if they are going to be depressed and emotional all the time for the rest of their life. Like maybe they think this is a choice or something that I did. But all this that I think people are saying is what I am saying to myself. It is what makes me so frustrated and upset all the time. When I get really really upset…this is the main thought and feeling in me. THIS IS NEVER GOING TO END!!! WHY CAN’T I JUST GET BETTER??? WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME???? And if that is like my worst fear, my worst thoughts about myself then I certainly don’t want to be put in the position to have other people thinking those things whether they actually are or not.

I think that is why I got so upset about Es letter last year. She basically said that all I do is talk about my problems and I always say that I have worse problems  and she knows that I am bad, but can I think about someone else for a change…that is also one of my worst fears…I always feel like people don’t want to hear me talk…I talk to much…I am selfish. I don’t think about anyone but me and my problems. I am very conscious about not doing this. I always feel really bad when I talk to people all about my problems and then they don’t talk about theirs. It is not that I am not there to listen. But they just don’t talk…I try to let them know that I am there…or do people just not talk about their problems like I do…or not talk about them to me? I just don’t want people thinking that I am this awful selfish, dramatic, emotional person who takes things too personally and is too emotional about things and they wish I would just shut up and that is why they don’t want to hang out with me. And I would just rather be alone to deal with all of that crap.

Where does that feeling come from? Mom has always made me feel like I was selfish. She has told me that all my life. But there is more. E has always made me feel like I was a burden. Everyone in her life was always asking things from her and she was say as such so she always made me feel like I couldn’t ask anything of her. She always made me feel like I wasn’t cool or important enough for my feelings to be taken seriously. Even going back to high school or college or even her wedding…if something better came along she wanted that instead of me. She just thought I was always going to be there. Maybe it was good that I cut ties with her for so long. And T and that group make me feel like that. She did last night. But why can they make me feel so bad? What about K…my very first best friend. She was bossy and she always wanted to get her way. If she wanted to play something and I didn’t well she would just make me go home or she would leave. But if I wanted her to do something then she never would. K was older than me…not by much…a couple of months at most. But she had a lot of older friends so she kind of made me feel like a baby. I did baby things. I cried in school…so I guess that didn’t help. She was also smarter than me…she always made all A’s and got into the gifted program and really never even had to try to do well…like B. And I had to work my butt off to get A’s and B’s. But she always wanted to feel superior to me…whether it was in school or around her other friends or whatever. I don’t really remember much about our friendship ending. I do remember that I was over at her house and I wanted to do something or something happened that she didn’t like and she got really upset and said things about me and her not liking the same things or something…it is a foggy memory. I can remember her mom coming in and telling me that I needed to go home and probably didn’t need to spend time with K anymore. It was sad. I remember feeling like I didn’t know what I had done. I felt like I had done something wrong. But I can’t think of what that might have been. That was 3rd grade. 4th grade was hard. I didn’t really have a lot of close friends…Kim moved on. I didn’t.

And then there was Kr. I became friends with her in 5ht grade. Kr was also bossy and wanted her way. She was nice, but she was always trying to be better than me. I remember in the 6th grade she got in band and I didn’t. I tried so hard to do well in band, but I didn’t make it. It was so devastating. Not only was I told, rather rudely, that I wasn’t good enough to be in band…oh that I wasn’t old enough to know how be in band…but try again next year. It wasn’t so much that I wanted to be in band as it was that Kr was in band. I was afraid that she was going to get into something else and leave me. She was going to meet cooler people and forget about me. And she did. 7th grade came…my first year in middle school…where everything changed. I needed my best friend and she just distanced herself from me. She moved seats to sit by her cool band friends. She just forgot about me. And the person that she moved onto was just evil. She knew that I was Kr’s best friend and that Kr liked her better and she loved it. She made all kind of little comments to undermine my attempts to show Kr. I was cool enough to hang out with. She acted like she was my friend, but really she was really mean.

It was during that year that I lost my friends that I started having imaginary friends. They made me happier, but I still didn’t have real friends…and because I had no one close to me, I was exposed…which means that I got made fun of…I was an easy target…and continued to be even after I got friends…all the way through middle school and high school. I don’t really even know why people picked on me…but it was really hard…and continues to affect me to this day.

As for meeting new people…it is just too hard to make friends and then have them leave me. Everyone has always moved on…whether they mean to or not….people move on and forget about me…our friendship becomes less and less important. So what’s the point of trying to make new friends when they will just leave me?

And I know that it won’t really help…like everything else I try and think that will make things better…it won’t help. I will still be depressed and I will still be this way. It won’t make me happier and it won’t make this go away. I would rather this go away then to ever have another friend or get married or anything. Because I don’t know how to be happier. I don’t know how to feel better. And it feels like nothing will ever make it better.