The Gate

12.28.12

It's Friday once again and I am feeling better than I was last Friday. I am not so crazy. The holidays went ok. I just sort of made it through them. Mom has been sleeping most of the time like Thanksgiving, but she seems to be talking a little more. I am not sure. She hasn't showered or eaten very much. She gets kind of weird about things though. That hasn't changed. She didn't go to Christmas Eve service with us or to Nana's, but it was ok. I tried not to let it bother me. I just tried to do my own thing.

 

Christmas with my friends was not successful. Teah was very distant and everyone else talked about their kids all night. It was not fun. I kind of felt like I might faint or something with all of their talking around me. They don't really talk to me or let me talk. I don't really have a lot of contribute to their conversations and I am too tired of trying to be heard to try anymore. Candice and I talked afterwards and we both feel that way. I don't want to lose them as friends, but it is getting harder and harder to remain friends with them when we have nothing in common and they don't make the effort.

 

I am so tired right now. I know that I need to do things with people, but I am so tired of being around people. I think I am just tired from trying to keep the wall up during the holidays. Even being back at work is hard. I have woken up feeling really bad for the last two days. I don't want to get out of bed, I don't feel like doing anything, and I want to die so bad. It gets better once I get up and get dressed and get to work. But when I get to work the anxiety starts. Again, I just decided that I liked this job and wanted to stay and now I am unsure of my place here. I am working so hard to make myself look good. It is very hard to do that when I don't have anything to do. I feel like I should be doing something. Like they know that I don't have anything to do and am not working. But I don't know what I am supposed to do. It is very anxiety-producing. But I just have to keep telling myself that if God wants me to stay here,  He will work it out. If He doesn't, then I don't want to be here. He will give me something better.

 

I have been trying to find time to just sit and be present with God. Find that peaceful place...really connect with what the Holidays are about. But I am trying to hard. I want to make it happen, but I just need to let it. I try and have my quiet time with God, but it just doesn't seem to be there. I am not allowing myself to be open enough. I know that...opening myself up means letting the wall down...and with the free time that I have and no therapy until next week that is really dangerous. I

 

If I can just stop thinking for just a second things will be ok. But I can't stop. If I stop thinking then things get bad. I am trying just to bask. But that has never been easy for me. I want to go through that gate to the pasture, to the peace. But I just keep standing outside the gate, shaking and begging to be let in. I know that if I stop trying it will happen.

 

I found a place downtown when I was walking last week. I think it might have been for the Read House. But I had never seen it before. There was a gate and a fence. I looked over the gate to see some sort of courtyard. It kind of reminded me of that scene in Notthing Hill. I doubted that the gate would be open. This is downtown Chattanooga. But I pulled on it and it opened. I was scared to go inside because I didn't know if I was allowed. But I tentatively went in. I tried to experience it just like I was supposed to. I just looked around. There was a fountain and some lounge chairs. It was nice. It was like this little haven in the middle of the big city. I didn't stay long, afraid that I would be caught. I felt like I didn't belong there...like it didn't really belong there either.

 

So I move on, trying to find peace. Trying to not try...that doesn't really work either. I am so sick of trying. How do I not try? I don't understand. I have never been good at that. Trying to relax, trying to calm down, trying to find peace. I guess that is why I hav anxiety.