Worrying and a Devotional

12.21.12

Today is the end of the world…again…as they would say on Buffy. It is also the last day of work before Christmas. I have been busy all week at work and at home. I have had something to do every night this week. I was complaining that I didn’t have enough to do and now really I don’t really want to do any of it. I guess I am just doing it so I won’t be so alone and depressed. And I know I don’t have a lot to do these next couple of weeks because everything really stops until the week after New Year. It is like I have been trying so hard to stuff my life and my mind with crap to do and to think about so I won’t have time to be depressed. It is kind of like what they were talking about on How I Met Your Mother the other week…overcompensation. I had such a long, lonely, depressing Thanksgiving break that I am doing everything in my power not to have that type of break right now. I have been so scared of it. But instead of all of that I have been tired and anxious and overloaded to the point where I am going crazy…really crazy. This week has been weird. I always feel like I am wanting to cry and scream all at the same time…and I have…several times. There is just a lot on my mind and I am not allowing myself to think about it. And maybe I do. I am scared to. I don’t want to have a horrible, depressing holiday. But if I don’t at least get some of these thoughts out then I am going to go crazy. So I thought maybe I can write it all down. Get it organized.

My job-I really like working here. It is sort of crazy sometimes, but they like me and I have my own office and lots and lots of flexibility. Every day when I make my tea I just stand there and look out the window at the downtown life and think to myself I would never have this calm time during the day to reflect and let my tea brew. At my other job, I would be working like crazy and never have time to breathe or go to the bathroom. So I am extremely grateful for that. But I am sitting on edge waiting for it all to be taken away from me. I have been doing my best to make myself indispensable and make everyone want to work hard to help me to stay despite there not being enough money or work for me to do. Like Cordy said “People will be attracted to my positive attitude and help me achieve my goals.” But as many people say that they like me and want me to stay, my boss just looks at me knowing that she can’t keep me. I just don’t know. I am just hoping that if it be in God’s will that He will work it out so that I can stay. And if it is not in His will then I don’t want to be here. I need to stop obsessing and worrying and just let God take care of it. Because there is nothing I can do about. There will be a job out there that is right for me. If it is not here then it will be somewhere better. But I know that I really don’t want to go back into the medical field. I need a place like where I am….where people aren’t going crazy all the time. And if this isn’t it, then there will be another one. I just have to have faith.

Christmas-I am trying so hard to make my own holiday good that it is killing me. I want go to all the great places and eat great food and create fun things for myself. And it is ok, but I feel like I am just spinning my wheels. I am doing stuff and it is nice and distracting, but really it is not meaningful. I feel like I just need to stop and actually appreciate what I am doing. But I feel if I slow down and think then I might get depressed. But I need to stop…even if it means feeling depressed. Because I am going to have a nervous breakdown if I don’t stop doing this. It is not even that I have a lot to do or that I am planning a lot. I just keep expecting things to just go bad. I am trying to do everything I can to plan how things can go and think about all the problems that might make me upset that I am not really living in the moment. I am just dreading the problems that I might have to face. I just need to let it go. Whatever happens, happens. Getting stuck in traffic, getting depressed, crying, anxiety, and stomach hurting, Mom doing whatever she is going to do. I think I am really worried about that. I don’t want to be in the house that long with her like that. It is very hard and draining to be there. I know I can leave and go somewhere, but it is still so sad and empty. I don’t want to feel that empty again.

I am of course dealing with control. That is what I have figured out. I spend so much time trying to control everything in my life that I forget to just bask. Sit at the feet of God and just look and listen to him breathe and talk and just be.  

I guess I am sort of doing that because mom is doing nothing. I feel like I have to control her and what she needs to be doing. I know that I don’t need to do that. We have talked about that. But I feel like I have to pick up the slack. But I don’t. I just have to be me. Worry about me….that is it. I only have to worry about me. If it doesn’t get done then it doesn’t. It is not that important anyways. Nothing is really all that important. It’s not the end of the world…really…no matter what everyone says. Help me to remember that God.

Like Martha of Bethany, I awaken many mornings “anxious and troubled about many things” (Luke 10:41). As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Marthax opened her home to him. 39 She had a sister called Mary,y who sat at the Lord’s feetz listening to what he said. 40 But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, “Lord, don’t you carea that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!”

41 “Martha, Martha,” the Lord answered, “you are worried and upset about many things, 42 but few things are needed—or indeed only one.f c Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.”

I’ve learned that if I’m going to walk in faith, I must remember the “one thing (that) is necessary” (v. 42): sitting at the Lord’s feet, like Mary, and listening to His voice. I do this by reading Scripture first thing in the morning.

If I don’t, I find I’m so busy trying to make myself feel safe that I forget that Christ is my only safety (Proverbs 29:25), and apart from Him I’m absolutely powerless (John 15:5). My desire to be in control is futile, and any sense of control I have is just an illusion.

This morning Psalm 139:16 reminded me anew of this truth.

Your eyes saw my unformed substance;

In your book were written, every one of them,

the days that were formed for me,

when as yet there was none of them.

The Lord saw me, and was already taking care of me, when I was still just “unformed substance” in my mother’s womb. The phrase “unformed substance” makes me think of the very earliest stage of pregnancy when I was still little more than a ball of cells.

My mother didn’t know she was carrying me at that point, and even if she had, there was nothing she could do to care for me. But everywhere in Scripture when we’re told God sees something, He does something about what He sees (see for example Genesis 16:13). When this verse says He saw me, it’s telling me that He was caring for me even at that very earliest stage of my life.

It also tells me that God had a plan for my life right from the very start. Here I am, living as though it’s all up to me, reacting from fear and self-concern, trying to control it all, when the Lord tells me that He’s been on the job right from the beginning. If He was caring for me way back then, long before I knew or loved Him, how much more is He caring for me now that I belong to Him?

Join the Conversation

How about you? Are you tempted to worry, even though you really want to trust Him? Could remembering the truth of His loving care help you to let go of that need for control? Casting all your anxieties upon him, because he cares for you (1 Peter 5:7).