No control

1.24.13

Last week was awful. Really awful…like the worst week I have had in a really long time…since I worked at the doctor’s office at least. It had a lot to do with my needing to control things and things just spiraling out of control. Work stuff, Mom stuff, my stuff, Deric, traffic, rain, rain, and more rain…my phone….everything, just awful. And when I can’t control things my anxiety gets worse and then my emotions get crazy and that makes me even more out of control. I don’t know how to just let things go that I can’t control. I mean I know everyone deals with this on some level; it’s just that I obsess about it. I can’t get over it. I can’t let it go. I get out of control trying to control things. And it affects my balance, and my ability to think clearly, my vision, hand eye coordination….everything.

And this week has been better. Not good, but better. I don’t get good anymore. I get ok. I don’t even wish or hope for good anymore. I wish I could. I want to believe that God can heal me and I can have good again. But it hurts to much to hope. I don’t know how to hope anymore. I just want to have normal, even emotions again.

I can’t control my mom. I can’t control whether she gets up and goes to work. I can’t control my parents and their money problems. They are not my problem. I just have to take care of myself. That is the most important. If I am not well then I am no good to anyone. I can’t let this affect me like it does. It is hard because I live in it and I depend on it.

I am afraid. I am afraid that Mom will not get better and I will lose her. I am afraid that she will quit work or get fired and Dad will have to get a second job. I am afraid that Dad will not be able to handle all of that plus taking care of Mom and me, and the house, and everything that Mom doesn’t do. I am afraid that I will lose him too and then I will have lost everything. Mom will never get better after that. She will get worse. I won’t be able to take care of her because I am not well myself. Bradley doesn’t care. I will have no one to take care of me.