Shoulds and wants

1.9.13

Today started out very busy. I felt like I had a lot to do and I need to look at my shoulds and wants. On the one hand, there are a lot of shoulds and wants that need to be looked at. But on the other hand, it is a lot about me trying to control everything…getting all worked up about doing stuff, anything…even stuff I want to do I get worked up about it. I worry and obsess about everything. I get all bend out of shape when it rains or I have to leave work and I might not have a parking space when I get back. Or traffic, or parking, or just things that usually take care of themselves anyways. Things that I just have to deal with. But I don’t deal with them…I obsess about them. And if I could just give up that, I would have a whole lot simpler life. Because going to Bible study is not just about going to Bible study. It is driving there, traffic, their horrible parking lot, getting home late, eating dinner late, when am I going to work out…it is all of those little things that I can’t seem to give up obsessing over. My brain just won’t shut up.  Some shoulds that I know I should give up…well mainly just one: working out. Working out is a want and a should. I do really want to do it. I know that it makes me feel better physically and mentally, but I just have some much trouble fitting it in with all the other stuff I have going on. Is it wrong to make working out a priority? And there is this fine line between it being something good and enjoyable for me and it becoming this burden of having to do it, fitting it in. There are days that I don’t work out. And I don’t work out everyday of the week. But when I was supposed to workout and don’t then I feel bad…mentally and physically. And I am not working out in the mornings. I have done that and it always makes me feel worse. Working out in the morning does not work for me. It’s counterproductive.

Another should is all my shows that I tivo. I don’t need to watch everything. I need to take a serious look at my season passes and figure out what I can live without. I think that would really help.

And then after a pretty good lunch and morning, I have been running around trying to do things for Is, trying to be good, trying to be helpful, and doing what she needs me to do. She tells me that none of it really matters. She can do it herself. She was just giving me something to do cause she felt bad that she didn’t have more work for me. And the underlying thought behind that is nice. She wants to keep me on, she wants to pay me my hours, she wants me to have a job. But if I am not doing any good here then why am I here? If I am not helpful to her then why am I here? She is one of those type people that can’t voice what she really needs to another person so it is just easier for her to do it herself. So, again, why am I here? I mean I was running around trying to get this thing printed that she acted like was so important and then when I got it done, she said oh well, we may not even use it. It doesn’t matter.. Geez thanks. That makes me feel so great and indispensable. Especially when I have been working so hard to try and make myself indispensable. I am so good that they will have to keep me. But the person that I really need to be impressing is impossible to impress because no one can read her mind so she might as well do everything herself.

I’m trying to take this one day at a time. I am trying to be thankful that I have a job and I am not working at that awful place anymore. Every morning I look out the window in the quiet darkness of the room and thank God for that. But I do want to feel important. I don’t want to be too important, I get lots of anxiety when people are depending on me too much. But I don’t like to be told that what I am doing is just busy work.