Confused about God

2.7.13

I have been feeling really bad lately. I don’t know if this is some sort of cyclical thing or I am just getting worse, or every few weeks or so I get fed up with this. I don’t know. It is like it progressively gets worse and then maybe for a moment maybe it gets slightly better and then it get progressively worse again. I am at the point where I don’t want to talk about it, I don’t want to write about it, I don’t want to do anything. I just want it to go away…or mostly I just want to die. I don’t feel like anything is helping at all. The only thing that is helping is just getting me through the day. And that is not even a success. I mean, it used to be…but I kind of feel as though I should be better than just getting by…than just getting through the day. It is kind of like when parents ask you how school was. They might as well be asking how was that car accident or how was that gang initiation.

I am not asking to be happy. I am not hoping to be happy. I just don’t want it to be so miserable all the time. I don’t want it to be so hard all the time. In my Bible study we asked the question is God enough for you? Do you need God and a job, or God and your children, God and whatever…Well I need God and my sanity. Is that too much to ask? I don’t think so. Am I just being selfish? It also talked about how we really don’t hate ourselves and there really is no such thing as low self-esteem. There is just low God-esteem. That really we love ourselves too much. I don’t love myself. I can tell you that. I don’t jab pins into my arm because I love myself. I don’t constantly put myself down because I love myself. I don’t immediately think the worst of myself because I love myself. When we have a toothache we do everything we can do get rid of that toothache, but when others have it then we aren’t as concerned. We are too self-centered. We need to give up ourselves and give ourselves to God. I don’t understand. I really don’t get it. I am so confused. Maybe I understood that a long time ago. But now I don’t feel as though I can things right now. I can control things in the moment. I can get through and do what I am supposed to do. But long term, I can’t control it. And I certainly can’t control my feelings. That book said that if you just will it so and trust God that you could control your feelings and you wouldn’t feel like that anymore. Look, I understand that you don’t need to live your emotional mind…you need to not rely on feelings…that the way you feel is not always what is real. But you can’t just will yourself to feel differently.

This book also basically says that your depression is caused by un confessed sin or that your relationship with God is not right or you are blaming others for your problems or whatever. That is crap. What if you just wake up feeling like this and it never goes away. What if there is no reason for it. What if everything with God was as close as it ever has been right before it happened? What if you have been battered and bruised by people all your life and you are stuck…what if you’ve tried to let it go and it never goes away…what if it has been going on for 5 years and it never gets better?

I feel like I can’t do anything right these days. God says just to find that quiet place and that is where He is. Quiet your brain and you can hear Him…that He can’t speak to you if your brain is filled up with anxiety. But I can’t get rid of that without His help…well…at all really. He has to do it. And I have prayed and prayed and prayed everything and every kind of way and tried to pray the believing prayer and pray with God’s faith and be grateful for what I have, but it doesn’t get any better. Again, I am not asking for miracles…though I believe God can do it. But I am asking for relief. And He did give me relief when I quit my job…I think Him for that every day. But I am still the same. It doesn’t go away.

It has affected everything. My body is so tired, and my stomach hurts, and I have acid reflux. I am feeling dizzy, and my eyes have trouble focusing. My brain is tired. I can’t pay attention like I used to. I can’t think like I used to. I make stupid mistakes like miss spelling my own name. It takes extra effort to make my brain work. It is like it is tired and it has to get past some sort of fog to even begin to work at all. It is like its tired and unfocused. This is getting really serious. When it starts to affect how I think and work then it is really serious. This needs to stop. But I have no idea how to make it stop or how to make it even slightly better.