Nothing ever changes

10.3.2013

I feel like nothing ever changes. I feel like I have been saying the same thing over and over again to different people or the same people for 4 and a half years. I am just so tired-I can remember saying that to Nicole 2 years ago at my second trip to Valley. I can remember her saying if you just keep going it will get better. How many times have people said that to me…have I said that to myself? If I can just make it through this it will start to get better. If I can just get a new job or try this new treatment then things will get better. If I can make it through this hard time then things will get better. How many times? I feel like I am not getting any better. How many times have I said that? How many times have I laid in the floor crying to God begging Him to help me? How many people have I talked to? How much money have I wasted? How much time have I spent searching for answers and cures? How many times have I said all of that? You say that I need to learn to accept how I am. I need to live with what I am. I am trying. I have been trying. I am surviving…that is all. How many times have we had this same conversation? You are getting better…(list of examples…blah, blah)…see I can do both sides of this conversation now. You say I am living with it…I am surviving with it…I am functioning with it. I am dying with it. It just gets to a point where you have been living with it for so long that it just starts slowly killing you from the inside. The screaming in my brain, the shaking, the intense stomach cramps, the pain in my chest, the exhaustion that never goes away because all of this is still there in my sleep, in my dreams. I wake up with it, I go to bed with it. And it is killing me. And the really sad thing is that no one can help me. I have done the research, I have done the treatments, I have talked to everyone I can think of. It doesn’t help. When I get really upset I don’t want to talk to anyone…because everyone makes it worse. There is nothing that anyone can say to make it better. No one can help. I have heard it all. Like I said, I can pretty much do both sides of the conversation now…even with you. You are trying, you see me trying…and yet…nothing ever changes. Nothing goes away. The more I talk and listen the worse it gets. It is kind of like taking my head and beating it up against a wall. I am getting no where. And to be in that place where I know that no one can help me…there is nothing anyone can say…is a really lonely, scary place to be. It is like I am alone in this world. And I don’t want to talk to anyone because nothing they say matters. Nothing they say changes it. Nothing I say or do changes it. Sure I can do things and try to accept things and be hopeful, but that only lasts so long. There is still that wall, that little room in my head that I can’t quite shut the door on. Because something, anything, small things like losing a jacket can make it spill all over the place. And I know you wonder about the season thing. (see I told you I can do both sides). It is not seasonal. It is not job, it is just me. I am miserable all the time. The pain doesn’t go away just because you say it isn’t there. I don’t want to accept it. That is so sad to think that I have to accept this…this miserable crap inside me.

So I don’t know what to do. We have been in this place before…I have been in this place before…trying to just get up and do it until what…it gets better…I die…the world ends. I try so hard. I try to not let people see that it is still there…that it is just as bad as always. I try to convince people that what they are saying is having an impact, they are not wasting their time. Everyone is trying to smooth it over, trying to make the pain go away. Everyone you know is trying to smooth it over, like you’re trying to scream underwater.

I can’t live like this. Why should anyone have to? Other people get better. Other people get out. Why am I still sitting here in the mud? Why can’t I get out?

I pray to God. I pray so hard. God does the impossible. There are still miracles in this world. I know that everyone has their torn in their side to deal with, but God won’t want me to be this miserable for this many years, would He?

-- 
--Stephanie

My View on Life: "I thought it was gonna be like in the 
movies -- you know, inspirational music, a
montage: me sharpening my pencil, me 
reading, writing, falling asleep on a big pile
of books with my glasses all crooked, 
'cause in my montage, I have glasses.
But real life is slow, and it's starting to
hurt my occipital lobe."--Buffy Summers