Unfocused and bored

I am bored..bored, bored, bored. "Are we going on a walking tour? Where is my morning coffee and breakfast? Where are we going today?" I am REALLY bored.

And my boredness (is that even a word?) has doubled because not only am I home from a very long, busy trip to Europe, but I have no job, no boyfriend, and all of my friends and family are working and building houses, and having babies and getting married and all of that life stuff and I am kind of stuck with nothing to do. Everyone else has a purpose, something that they are working towards, a plan. I have a unfocused, unsure, jumbled mess that I have to deal with.

I thought Europe was going to help me figure things out...clear my head. It only seemed to delay the inevitable and make things worse. I didn't even have a chance to think about what I was seeing, let alone think about life. I barely had time to atleast write down what I saw. I barely remember what I did see! The one thought I did have was "I want to go home." I don't regret a second of it. I don't regret any of my decisions. I know that this is God's will. It was the right thing to do. But now I am back at home with a huge debt, an unfocused purpose, and a restless spirit. AND I AM BORED OUT OF MY MIND!

People keep telling me to do something. Get out of the house. Go try out for Deal or No Deal! I don't know what to do. I don't want to just go out and spend money. I don't want to just get out for the sake of getting out. I want to have a plan and a purpose. But I am so unfocused that I don't know where to start.

An Imperfect Fit

Soooo....I am trying to find a job. Another job. Another new start. I am kind of getting sick of always starting over. It sounds nice when you are sick to death of the place you are in, but when it comes time to actually start again it is really hard. Why can't I just find that one guy or that one job that I can stay with forever? Remember when people got married right out of college and got a job and then stayed that way forever? That would be so nice. The grass is always greener I know.... I just wish I could find a purpose in life. Something that is unique to me. Something that I am actually good at and that I love.

I have taken all of these career tests and have looked at jobs and everything and all of them point me in one direction....writing. I don't know what it is about writing. I like it. I love to write my thoughts on movies and tv shows and everything. I am pretty good at it...by my standards anyways. People say that I am too wordy (I am) and that I am too shallow (I am) and that I make too many pop culture references (I do), but I don't care. I have always written like this and I read other people's stuff who write like this (Meg Cabot who I love, but I swear I didn't steal this style of writing from her...I wrote like this in high school way before that book even came out...I have proof, so there) and I really enjoy this type of writing. I know that sounds weird..."I really enjoy my own writing." But I do. I go back and reread some of my stuff and I think wow, how do I come up with this stuff? But my writing is very niche. Only certain people would enjoy it (me, Erica, Meg Cabot, and maybe Amy Sherman-Pallidino...but hey, that is a really great fan club right there!)

And my writing is also not very focused. Big shocker there, right? But I am not really focused. I never really have been. I really don't know what I want. I just sort of write and hope that something meaningful will come out of it...but hello, journal! It is not like this is going to be published...well it does say publish post down at the bottom, but...but that is not the point.

But the question is not if I am good or not. I think I am and other think that I am pretty good I guess, but the question is...do I want to be a writer and if so what kind of writer do I want to be? All my life people have been telling me that I need to be a writer. And I have been. That is why I majored in journalism. But do I really want to do that? I know I don't want to be a journalist. They make no money, keep weird hours, and I just don't like it that much. If I were to be a writer I would want to write reviews of tv shows or movies or just do a fun column like Carrie Bradshaw on Sex in the City. But you don't start out doing that and you have to put in your time being an actual journalist and fight your way to that position. And like I said...I don't think I like it well enough to do that.

The only thing that I have wanted that much was acting. And I haven't serious considered going into acting for a long time. All I know is that it is the one thing that I have done (not just witnessed) that I have been passionate about. Chris O'Donnell once said "It's all about the butterflies." and those butterflies are what I love and what I miss. I miss those rare moments where you transcend the part you are playing. Where the character or the scene or the moment becomes bigger than you. You are more than just a character you are that person. When it is good, it is so good.

But at the same time, the bad make it that much worse. I don't know if it is the people you are with or just general burnout of the same character and same routine. At the end of N2Him, I was so burned out that I just didn't like going anymore. The people weren't taking anything seriously anymore and I was sick of the character and the same stupid stuff. I can kind of see why actors on series leave. They just hated it so much. I kind of identify with the people on Roswell now...but not the badmouthing they did in the press...that was just uncalled for.

So when it is good it is really good, but when it is bad it is really bad...but that is kind of how acting is...dramatic. No wonder I love it so much.

But is it real? probably not. No one in acting is. Everyone is too loud, too obnoxious, and too fake. I really don't fit in with those guys. So where do I fit in?

World Traveler Wrap Up Pt. 2

Switzerland was nice just because it wasn't so dang hot. The ride through the Alps was amazing. We got to see Lake Como and we all wanted to go stay with George Clooney. Our hotel was nice and (forcefully) peaceful and Lucerne was great. I chose to take a ride to the top of Mtn. Pilatus. Though I thought it would be a nice relaxing day, by the time I climbed up to the very top, I realized I was sadly mistaken. But the exercise was a nice change of pace and it was good to get away from my core group and hang out with everyone else. TV show comparison: Everwood-comforting, but not afraid to go the extra mile.

France was neat (we got to watch the World Cup Semifinals and celebrate with the French!) and Paris was a bit much at first, but we went up to the artist district, Montmartre, and though I was only there 15 minutes I completely fell in love. I MUST GO BACK. And don't even get me started on the food! It was the best of the whole trip. Paris was big and a bit overwhelming, but in a good way. I know a lot of people complain about the French and say Paris is their least favorite city, but I disagree. I actually really like the cultured, feminine feel of the city. It was like the city was aware of its own magic and was very proud to display it. It lived up to the image in my mind. TV show comparison: Gilmore Girls. Girly, smart, fun, and completely aware of how cool they are.

We took a night train to Madrid and cosy is being nice. It was a shoebox in the middle of an earthquake. But we made it fun with smelly cheese and bread!

I did not have a very good first impression of Madrid. By this time we had only two days until the flight home and I was so tired that I was ready right then. I just wanted to sleep for like a week! I wanted to have my own shower back so my first impression of Madrid suffered. Our hotel was nice but we didn't get to nap until the next day so I was basically dragged through some old palace and the underwhelming Prado Museum. The World Cup was that night so we got to celebrate with a bar full Italians! We spent most of the next day lounging in the shade by a lake and that night perked up with shopping and hot chocolate with a random Spanish guy from Peru so it ended on a good note. TV show comparison: Falcon Beach. Ok...new ABC Family show that is really not that good, but it is growing on me. It is just another beach show trying to be 90210. But it is HOTT!

So there is just a small wrap up. More later! I am sure I will have tons of lists!

World Traveler Wrap Up Pt. 1

This is the first part of what I am sure will be a long list of impressions I had while on my Europe trip. The details of places, people, and things are in my paper journal and is hard for even me to read since the majority of it was written while on bumpy bus rides across the continent.

General
London was my favorite. There were other cities that I actually ended up liking better, but I felt a special connection with London from the moment we got on the plane from Frankfurt. If we are comparing it to TV shows (which is what I compare everything to) this would be my Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Though other shows came along that I liked better, there will always be that Buffy connection. The people, the Tube, the outlining areas, the Thames, everything. I know it was the most expensive place we went to (dollars to pounds is a total rip off!) but I still can't help but love it. And knowing that there is more to England and Great Britian makes me love it even more.

Amsterdam was a mess in a lot of ways for me. The hotel was great. It was probably in the top two of the hotels we stayed in. They had great food and they gave you a lot of it. And it was the middle of nowhere with this cute little neighborhood around it. It was also on the bay so we had a great view and a great breeze. Anne Frank's House was another highlight. It was sobering and surreal. I had been so involved in that play and the blocking was so accurate that I couldn't believe that I was in the actual house, walking up the actual staircase that I had pretended to walk up all of those times. It was very emotional. The rest of the trip was the hardest of the trip. I felt so out of place for so many reasons. I am not a sheltered person....I know what goes on and have been around a lot of things, but I try not to put myself into those situations, but I sort of didn't feel like I had a choice at that point. I thought I could be cool. I thought I could handle it, but it was all just too much. I felt very homesick and alone. I basically cried the rest of day. TV show comparsion: Passions. Can be a great comforting show, but they really have done everything on that show.

Munich was apathic city. It had just started getting hot and we were all starting to feel the exhaustion of the trip. In less than a week's time we went from "look at the cute British cars, the cute British houses, the cute British roads." to "Nice palace. Who lived here again?" And Munich wasn't special or different enough to hold my attention. TV show comparsion: CSI. Everyone else seemed to like it, but I could care less.

Everything around Munich becomes kind of foggy. We went to several places in Germany and Austria, but all I really remember was the really hot bus rides.

Venice was next and was the best and the worst so far. HOT HOT HOT and sticky. We stayed on the Lido in what can only be described as dorm room at the beach. Small, bare, and hot. I had to take a cold shower (something that must be done in Italy) in order to sleep. As bad as that was, Venice (though just as hot and sticky) was a dream. It was really love at first sight. It was like it was almost not real. It is liking falling in love with George Clooney. So gorgous, but the love can never be real. There is nothing behind Venice. It is not an actual living, breathing city. It is like a Disneyland attraction. But it is so gorgous that you almost can't take it. You see pictures and you would never think it would think it could live up to that image, but it does. It takes your breathe away...mostly because of the heat, but the city was so amazing that I almost didn't care how hot it was. TV show comparision: The OC. Great at first, but later revealed that there was nothing behind it but Micha Barton's bad acting.

Rome was an overwhelming experience. Or maybe it was just the Vatican City. I remember seeing things there...The Sistine Chapel, St. Peter's, etc, but I don't remember really enjoying it. It was so crowded and many things to see in one small tour that was like sensory overload. Rome, on the other hand, was kind of a slow burning love. It took time to develop. But by the end of the day sitting at the Trevi Fountain, I had fallen head over heals. It was more of a real love. TV show comparision: Veronica Mars. It took a few episodes, but once I fell in love with it I was gone.

Florence was kind of a blur. It was pretty. Some of my best pictures came from Florence. But it was kind of like I was drunk the entire time. I was sooo tired that I couldn't enjoy it. We had possibly the nicest hotel I have ever stayed in and it was centrally located. So it was perfect for a mid-afternoon nap. But that meant I didn't get to enjoy it like I wanted to. TV show comparision: Lost-this is actually more of a comparsion of the whole of Italy. Great at first, but by the end of it you are so tired that you just collapse.

TBC with Switzerland, Paris, Madrid.

Back in the States

I am back home, I have been for a few days. I have been washing the entire contents of my suitcase. You apparently get really dirty after three weeks in Europe. I stunk, my clothes stunk, my backpack stunk. It was all kind of gross. And dont even get me started my European Injury list. My feet have taken a beating. They have finally returned to their normal size. I don't know how many times I fell in the shower and going up hills, and crossing the street...well to be fair that was when Sam almost died so my injury then wasn't as severe.

It is so weird being home. It is almost like Europe was a dream. I was so ready to come back home. I couldn't wait to sleep not only in my own bed, but the same bed for more than two nights....to have the same shower everyday, to be able to go to the bathroom without having to pay...to be able to walk in on a hot day to a blast of cold air. It is so nice.

But on the other hand I am bored. I knew I would be. I just didn't think it would be this fast. I get up way to early and then wonder what I am going to do. "Walking Tour around town?" I have tons to do. I just don't want to make myself do it. That is really the blessing and the curse of these guided tours. It is really nice to have someone else plan and do everything for you, to drag you around and tell you when to get up and where to go. It makes things so much simpler...especially for your first trip. But the moment your Tour Director leaves, you panic. You are lost, you don't know what to do. Jonny (our TD) had everything so planned out for us that I even heard him planning out how I was going to pack and get ready in the morning in my head. It was like he became the voice in my head.

You should have seen us when we got the airport the day we left. Jonny stayed behind with the other group that would be leaving later and we had a bus take us to the airport. John and the rest of my group needed to be let off a different gate and there seemed to be mass confusion on what to do about that. And then once inside the airport even the group leaders had trouble taking charge of getting everyone to the right place. We all felt so lost without our Jonny. And now I feel lost at home without him as well. It is nice sleeping as late as I want to and eating and going to the bathroom when I want to, but it is hard to go back to being independent again. The tour made it so easy to just coast along.

I kept a good journal while I was gone. I was very faithful. I thought it would be filled with hopes and dreams and some clue to what I want to do with my post-Europe life, but I was lucky to get down what we did each day or exactly what city we were in. I can't even remember half of what I saw. It was like I was drunk or something. It is so funny to look at my pictures now. I kind of have to think a minute to figure out the city and I can't even guess at the name of the building. We saw some many cathedrals, museums, old buildings, etc that I sort of got this glazed looked on my face by the end. "Oh wow, another beautiful, old palace. Who lived here again? Why was this important? When can we sit down?"

I don't know where I got off thinking I could really analyze and think about things on this trip. It was all I could do to just try and enjoy what I could. I sort of found pockets of fun and just tried to really enjoy those and try not to get to down the other times.

More later...