An Imperfect Fit

Soooo....I am trying to find a job. Another job. Another new start. I am kind of getting sick of always starting over. It sounds nice when you are sick to death of the place you are in, but when it comes time to actually start again it is really hard. Why can't I just find that one guy or that one job that I can stay with forever? Remember when people got married right out of college and got a job and then stayed that way forever? That would be so nice. The grass is always greener I know.... I just wish I could find a purpose in life. Something that is unique to me. Something that I am actually good at and that I love.

I have taken all of these career tests and have looked at jobs and everything and all of them point me in one direction....writing. I don't know what it is about writing. I like it. I love to write my thoughts on movies and tv shows and everything. I am pretty good at it...by my standards anyways. People say that I am too wordy (I am) and that I am too shallow (I am) and that I make too many pop culture references (I do), but I don't care. I have always written like this and I read other people's stuff who write like this (Meg Cabot who I love, but I swear I didn't steal this style of writing from her...I wrote like this in high school way before that book even came out...I have proof, so there) and I really enjoy this type of writing. I know that sounds weird..."I really enjoy my own writing." But I do. I go back and reread some of my stuff and I think wow, how do I come up with this stuff? But my writing is very niche. Only certain people would enjoy it (me, Erica, Meg Cabot, and maybe Amy Sherman-Pallidino...but hey, that is a really great fan club right there!)

And my writing is also not very focused. Big shocker there, right? But I am not really focused. I never really have been. I really don't know what I want. I just sort of write and hope that something meaningful will come out of it...but hello, journal! It is not like this is going to be published...well it does say publish post down at the bottom, but...but that is not the point.

But the question is not if I am good or not. I think I am and other think that I am pretty good I guess, but the question is...do I want to be a writer and if so what kind of writer do I want to be? All my life people have been telling me that I need to be a writer. And I have been. That is why I majored in journalism. But do I really want to do that? I know I don't want to be a journalist. They make no money, keep weird hours, and I just don't like it that much. If I were to be a writer I would want to write reviews of tv shows or movies or just do a fun column like Carrie Bradshaw on Sex in the City. But you don't start out doing that and you have to put in your time being an actual journalist and fight your way to that position. And like I said...I don't think I like it well enough to do that.

The only thing that I have wanted that much was acting. And I haven't serious considered going into acting for a long time. All I know is that it is the one thing that I have done (not just witnessed) that I have been passionate about. Chris O'Donnell once said "It's all about the butterflies." and those butterflies are what I love and what I miss. I miss those rare moments where you transcend the part you are playing. Where the character or the scene or the moment becomes bigger than you. You are more than just a character you are that person. When it is good, it is so good.

But at the same time, the bad make it that much worse. I don't know if it is the people you are with or just general burnout of the same character and same routine. At the end of N2Him, I was so burned out that I just didn't like going anymore. The people weren't taking anything seriously anymore and I was sick of the character and the same stupid stuff. I can kind of see why actors on series leave. They just hated it so much. I kind of identify with the people on Roswell now...but not the badmouthing they did in the press...that was just uncalled for.

So when it is good it is really good, but when it is bad it is really bad...but that is kind of how acting is...dramatic. No wonder I love it so much.

But is it real? probably not. No one in acting is. Everyone is too loud, too obnoxious, and too fake. I really don't fit in with those guys. So where do I fit in?