Nothing ever changes

10.3.2013

I feel like nothing ever changes. I feel like I have been saying the same thing over and over again to different people or the same people for 4 and a half years. I am just so tired-I can remember saying that to Nicole 2 years ago at my second trip to Valley. I can remember her saying if you just keep going it will get better. How many times have people said that to me…have I said that to myself? If I can just make it through this it will start to get better. If I can just get a new job or try this new treatment then things will get better. If I can make it through this hard time then things will get better. How many times? I feel like I am not getting any better. How many times have I said that? How many times have I laid in the floor crying to God begging Him to help me? How many people have I talked to? How much money have I wasted? How much time have I spent searching for answers and cures? How many times have I said all of that? You say that I need to learn to accept how I am. I need to live with what I am. I am trying. I have been trying. I am surviving…that is all. How many times have we had this same conversation? You are getting better…(list of examples…blah, blah)…see I can do both sides of this conversation now. You say I am living with it…I am surviving with it…I am functioning with it. I am dying with it. It just gets to a point where you have been living with it for so long that it just starts slowly killing you from the inside. The screaming in my brain, the shaking, the intense stomach cramps, the pain in my chest, the exhaustion that never goes away because all of this is still there in my sleep, in my dreams. I wake up with it, I go to bed with it. And it is killing me. And the really sad thing is that no one can help me. I have done the research, I have done the treatments, I have talked to everyone I can think of. It doesn’t help. When I get really upset I don’t want to talk to anyone…because everyone makes it worse. There is nothing that anyone can say to make it better. No one can help. I have heard it all. Like I said, I can pretty much do both sides of the conversation now…even with you. You are trying, you see me trying…and yet…nothing ever changes. Nothing goes away. The more I talk and listen the worse it gets. It is kind of like taking my head and beating it up against a wall. I am getting no where. And to be in that place where I know that no one can help me…there is nothing anyone can say…is a really lonely, scary place to be. It is like I am alone in this world. And I don’t want to talk to anyone because nothing they say matters. Nothing they say changes it. Nothing I say or do changes it. Sure I can do things and try to accept things and be hopeful, but that only lasts so long. There is still that wall, that little room in my head that I can’t quite shut the door on. Because something, anything, small things like losing a jacket can make it spill all over the place. And I know you wonder about the season thing. (see I told you I can do both sides). It is not seasonal. It is not job, it is just me. I am miserable all the time. The pain doesn’t go away just because you say it isn’t there. I don’t want to accept it. That is so sad to think that I have to accept this…this miserable crap inside me.

So I don’t know what to do. We have been in this place before…I have been in this place before…trying to just get up and do it until what…it gets better…I die…the world ends. I try so hard. I try to not let people see that it is still there…that it is just as bad as always. I try to convince people that what they are saying is having an impact, they are not wasting their time. Everyone is trying to smooth it over, trying to make the pain go away. Everyone you know is trying to smooth it over, like you’re trying to scream underwater.

I can’t live like this. Why should anyone have to? Other people get better. Other people get out. Why am I still sitting here in the mud? Why can’t I get out?

I pray to God. I pray so hard. God does the impossible. There are still miracles in this world. I know that everyone has their torn in their side to deal with, but God won’t want me to be this miserable for this many years, would He?

-- 
--Stephanie

My View on Life: "I thought it was gonna be like in the 
movies -- you know, inspirational music, a
montage: me sharpening my pencil, me 
reading, writing, falling asleep on a big pile
of books with my glasses all crooked, 
'cause in my montage, I have glasses.
But real life is slow, and it's starting to
hurt my occipital lobe."--Buffy Summers

The world beyond

I suck at being an adult

“It’s taboo to admit that you’re lonely. You can make jokes about it, of course. You can tell people that you spend most of your time with Netflix or that you haven’t left the house today and you might not even go outside tomorrow. Ha ha, funny. But rarely do you ever tell people about the true depths of your loneliness, about how you feel more and more alienated from your friends each passing day and you’re not sure how to fix it. It seems like everyone is just better at living than you are.

A part of you knew this was going to happen. Growing up, you just had this feeling that you wouldn’t transition well to adult life, that you’d fall right through the cracks. And look at you now. La di da, it’s happening.

Your mother, your father, your grandparents: they all look at you like you’re some prized jewel and they tell you over and over again just how lucky you are to be young and have your whole life ahead of you. “Getting old ain’t for sissies,” your father tells you wearily.

You wish they’d stop saying these things to you because all it does is fill you with guilt and panic. All it does is remind you of how much you’re not taking advantage of your youth.

You want to kiss all kinds of different people, you want to wake up in a stranger’s bed maybe once or twice just to see if it feels good to feel nothing, you want to have a group of friends that feels like a tribe, a bonafide family. You want to go from one place to the next constantly and have your weekends feel like one long epic day. You want to dance to stupid music in your stupid room and have a nice job that doesn’t get in the way of living your life too much. You want to be less scared, less anxious, and more willing. Because if you’re closed off now, you can only imagine what you’ll be like later.

Every day you vow to change some aspect of your life and every day you fail. At this point, you’re starting to question your own power as a human being. As of right now, your fears have you beat. They’re the ones that are holding your twenties hostage.

Stop thinking that everyone is having more sex than you, that everyone has more friends than you, that everyone out is having more fun than you. Not because it’s not true (it might be!) but because that kind of thinking leaves you frozen. You’ve already spent enough time feeling like you’re stuck, like you’re watching your life fall through you like a fast dissolve and you’re unable to hold on to anything.

I don’t know if you ever get better. I don’t know if a person can just wake up one day and decide to be an active participant in their life. I’d like to think so. I’d like to think that people get better each and every day but that’s not really true. People get worse and it’s their stories that end up getting forgotten because we can’t stand an unhappy ending. The sick have to get better. Our normalcy depends upon it.

You have to value yourself. You have to want great things for your life. This sort of shit doesn’t happen overnight but it can and will happen if you want it.

Do you want it bad enough? Does the fear of being filled with regret in your thirties trump your fear of living today?

We shall see.”

You’re Not Making The Most Of Your 20s by Ryan O’Connell (via daily-revivals)

Lonely times

This is the only time you get to do this. You get to sit around and read really great books and talk with people about ideas.’ I do miss some of that,” Radnor tells EW. “It seems that the world is not all that encouraging of that or it doesn’t even give you much time for that. So I think there’s something really special about the time and space granted to encounter new ideas and wrestle with things and to kind of live more comfortably with paradox.”

Faithful to Me-Jennifer Knapp

All the chistles I've dulled carving idols of stone

That have crumbled like sand 'neath the waves.

I've recklessly built all my dreams in the sand just to watch, them all wash away.

Through another day, another trial, another chance to reconcile

To one who sees past all I see.

And reaching out my weary hand I pray that you'd understand

You're the only one who's faithful to me.

All the pennies I've wasted in my wishing well

I have thrown like stones to the sea.

I have cast my lots, dropped my guard, searched aimlessly for a faith

To be faithful to me.

Through another day, another trial, another chance to reconcile

To one who sees past all I see.

And reaching out my weary hand I pray that you'd understand

You're the only one who's faithful to me.

You're the only one who's faithful to me. 

I suck at being an adult

“It’s taboo to admit that you’re lonely. You can make jokes about it, of course. You can tell people that you spend most of your time with Netflix or that you haven’t left the house today and you might not even go outside tomorrow. Ha ha, funny. But rarely do you ever tell people about the true depths of your loneliness, about how you feel more and more alienated from your friends each passing day and you’re not sure how to fix it. It seems like everyone is just better at living than you are.

A part of you knew this was going to happen. Growing up, you just had this feeling that you wouldn’t transition well to adult life, that you’d fall right through the cracks. And look at you now. La di da, it’s happening.

Your mother, your father, your grandparents: they all look at you like you’re some prized jewel and they tell you over and over again just how lucky you are to be young and have your whole life ahead of you. “Getting old ain’t for sissies,” your father tells you wearily.

You wish they’d stop saying these things to you because all it does is fill you with guilt and panic. All it does is remind you of how much you’re not taking advantage of your youth.

You want to kiss all kinds of different people, you want to wake up in a stranger’s bed maybe once or twice just to see if it feels good to feel nothing, you want to have a group of friends that feels like a tribe, a bonafide family. You want to go from one place to the next constantly and have your weekends feel like one long epic day. You want to dance to stupid music in your stupid room and have a nice job that doesn’t get in the way of living your life too much. You want to be less scared, less anxious, and more willing. Because if you’re closed off now, you can only imagine what you’ll be like later.

Every day you vow to change some aspect of your life and every day you fail. At this point, you’re starting to question your own power as a human being. As of right now, your fears have you beat. They’re the ones that are holding your twenties hostage.

Stop thinking that everyone is having more sex than you, that everyone has more friends than you, that everyone out is having more fun than you. Not because it’s not true (it might be!) but because that kind of thinking leaves you frozen. You’ve already spent enough time feeling like you’re stuck, like you’re watching your life fall through you like a fast dissolve and you’re unable to hold on to anything.

I don’t know if you ever get better. I don’t know if a person can just wake up one day and decide to be an active participant in their life. I’d like to think so. I’d like to think that people get better each and every day but that’s not really true. People get worse and it’s their stories that end up getting forgotten because we can’t stand an unhappy ending. The sick have to get better. Our normalcy depends upon it.

You have to value yourself. You have to want great things for your life. This sort of shit doesn’t happen overnight but it can and will happen if you want it.

Do you want it bad enough? Does the fear of being filled with regret in your thirties trump your fear of living today?

We shall see.”

You’re Not Making The Most Of Your 20s by Ryan O’Connell (via daily-revivals)

Josh Radnor on college in Liberal Arts

This is the only time you get to do this. You get to sit around and read really great books and talk with people about ideas.’ I do miss some of that,” Radnor tells EW. “It seems that the world is not all that encouraging of that or it doesn’t even give you much time for that. So I think there’s something really special about the time and space granted to encounter new ideas and wrestle with things and to kind of live more comfortably with paradox.”

Conversation about books-liberal arts

Ana: I love books. I do in, like, the dorkiest way possible. 

Jesse Fisher: Oh, me too. It's a problem. 

Ana: Like, I love trees cause they give us books. 

Jesse Fisher: super cool of the trees to do that, Right? 

Ana: I'm actually... this is weird. I'm actually trying to read less. 

Jesse Fisher: Why? 

Ana: I felt like I wasn't watching enough television. No, l just started to feel like reading about life was taking time away from actually living life, so I'm trying to, like, accept invitations to things,say "hi" to the world a little more. 

Jesse Fisher: That sounds scary. It's going well? 

Ana: It's... okay. I keep thinking I'd be so much happier in bed with a book, and that makes me feel not super cool. I still read tons. I just feel like I'm more aware of a book's limitations. Does that make sense? 

Jesse Fisher: Yeah, totally.

A note on stories

A note on stories

I get so many wonderful messages telling me what The Lizzie Bennet Diaries has meant to people. They often include telling me that they’ve been going through a hard thing - a big change in their lives, a loved one’s illness, depression - and that The LBD has been a source of comfort and happiness; that these characters have become their friends. These notes often include something like “I know that sounds silly…”

I just want to say that does not sound silly. That is why storytelling and art have been a part of human tradition for as long as we have records of humans. I absolutely have shows, movies, plays, and books in my life that are my friends, that got me through terrible times, that taught me about myself and my relationships to the people and world around me.

We need stories. Stories are important. There is nothing silly or dumb about relating to them and feeling attached to them. They help us see ourselves and others in new ways. They help us feel our feelings. They make us laugh when we feel low. They help us realize dreams and conquer fears. They give us a fuller understanding of the world.

We should never diminish the power of fictional stories. Do not apologize for being moved by movies, TV shows, theater, art, books, or even a webseries that puts out 5 minute episodes twice a week. Jump into them whole-heartedly and let them transform you. Let them be your friends. Why not? They want to be yours.

I am honored, more than I can ever express, to have been a part of something that has affected people’s lives, because I understand what that means. I am deeply, deeply touched that our show has become what it is, and that it’s made people feel things that have impacted them. It hasn’t been perfect, but nothing is, and the journey we’ve all taken together has been one I’ll never forget. 

--Ashley Clements-Lizzie Bennet Diaries

Liberal Arts Quote

Any place you don't leave is a prison.

I like what I like-liberal arts

Zibby: [about vampire novel] I liked it. It was fun and stupid. And it passed the time. And it's not Tolstoy, but it's also not television. And it made me happy. Now you... 

Jesse Fisher: Thank you... This - is the worst book - ever - written - in English. 

Zibby: So there are worse books written in other languages? 

Jesse Fisher: Probably not. Unless this book is translated into other languages.

Adult

Nobody feels like an adult. It's the world's dirty secret.

Liberal Arts

Jesse Fisher: I feel different now than I felt when I was here, and I hate to break this to you, but so will you. 

Zibby: So you're saying things suck? I should prepare myself for suckiness? 

Jesse Fisher: No, a liberal arts education solves all your problems. 

Zibby: Thank God!

 

Cordelia Chase

Cordelia: I am somebody. I matter. People will be attracted to my positive energy and help me achieve my goals. I am right where I'm supposed to be and not dying for something to eat!