You know...It is not so much a decision I have to make on who I am going to marry. I have always known...deep down. It is more of a decision I need to make with myself. To stop running. To stop being selfish. To realize that I can't hide from my life...from change. I think that coming back home after going away to school made things harder. I was so unhappy being away from home while at school that when I came home I hid away from my problems, from growing up, from facing life because I had been burned so much while I was at school. I got a taste of the real world outside of home and I didn't liek it at all. And now that I am home I am hiding from that. I am scared of it. I am scared of doing things on my own of moving out of living with someone else...of having to think about someone else's needs. That was the problem with Erica and I. We were both going through such a hard time in our life during that year that we really couldn't be there for each other. But when you are married you have to be there for each other no matter what you are going through...that is so hard. I know things are going to change and I probably won't like it. It is going to be hard at first...for awhile and I am so scared. Of changing, of leaving, of having to take care of myself. I have so many little things going on in my head that it is hard to add more. I do hide. I know I do. But it seems like it is either think obsessviely about everything or think about nothing. It is very hard to find an inbetween. And when I do...those rare times...that is when I think the best. When I am stressed and obsessing about things I can't do anything about or things I am analyzing way too much then it isn't healthy. It just leads to maddness. I need God's help. I pray all the time for him to help me not think about those things. It is worrying, but not the same as it was in high school. I didn't have that much to worry about in high school or college. I just worried about homework...one thing...that was really all I had to worry about...and it consumed me because it was so important to me. And now I have a billion little balls up in the air everyday. Lots of different things to worry about. So when I start worrying about one thing then it reminds me of other things that are wrong or that I need to worry about and then my head spins out of control and I want to pull my hair out. And they can be small things like the fact that my XM Radio doesn't work like I want it to or big thing like I don't think I am as good of Christian as I need to be. There are so many things wrong with me that I don't know where to start. I know I am selfish, and this whole thing is selfish. That is why I need to stop looking inward and start looking outward. But I am just not sure how to do that. I am such an introvert that I don't think about helping someone until I have already passed them up and gotten on the elevator. I don't notice things. I am not observant. I don't know how to help people. I don't know how not to be selfish. I am so confused. God, help me.